The only reason why I am writing this on a public blog is because I don't know whether its a good idea or a bad idea. Somehow, there are things I want her to hear but I am not sure if its even fair to say such things. There's already much for her to worry and I really don't want to add on to any of it. But I believe in open communication and it will clear the air if se knew what's on my mind. Thus the dilemma. Writing this hear relieves me of having to make a decision. If she reads it, well. If not, well.
"Sorry for not being able to give you want you want"
That's what she said. As if by magic, she could read my mind. I hadn't mentioned anything at all. But somehow, each of her smses seem to dive deeper and deeper into my mind. Or maybe it was the only thing that could be wrong and it made the problem obvious.
I wanted to tell her that I shouldn't be thinking that way. I think that i expect too much but I shouldn't be expecting anything in return. That maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with our relationship. Maybe its based on need and not love.
Am I getting this wrong? Sometimes I feel that its no different from a one sided relationship. Except for the fact that she is accepting of everything I do for her. You know...as opposed to telling me to stop doing all this things. Is acceptance itself a form expressing one's love?
Or could it be that, I am just doing things which are not necessary. That I am over-doing it..to the extent that its not possible for love to be commensurate. But its stupid isn't it.
I once loved someone knowing that nothing would come out of it, without asking for anything in return. Why can't I do it again? But that said, i experienced that only in friendship.
This sucks. And I wish I don't have to think about it
i m getting into shitty shape soon..so u shd b on reversal
why are we freaking resigned to the fact that we one up one down
I SUCCUMB TO NO EXTERNAL FORCES BECAUSE I AM MY OWN LIGHT. Well fine. I don't believe that i will lose my confidence for life cos it belongs to me and no one and nothing will makeme lose my confidence and pride. IF THERE IS ONE THING I AM FUCKING GOOD AT. ITS MY WILL AND FREAKING STUBBORNESS WHEN IT COMES TO GIVING UP.
I AM SMART
I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT AND NO ONE CAN REALLY STOP ME
CAREER LIFE - I AM AMONG THE TOP 90 PERCENTILE. I DON'T BELIEVE I NEED TO WORK FOR ANYONE
SOCIAL LIFE - I CAN PLAY AS MUCH AS I WISH AND I CAN STILL DO DAMN WELL IN OTHER AREAS COS I AM DAMN GOOD AT MANAGING MY TIME
EMOTIONAL LIFE - I DON'T BELIEVE IN SHORTCHANGING MY PERSONAL WELLBEING SO EVERYTHING ELSE CAN F OFF
IF ANYONE STEPS ON MY TAIL, I WILL SET HIS TAIL ON FIRE
I AM BLESSED TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE
NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS BEYOND ME
Because I now see how different we are.
I have reached a stage that aptly fits one of my central belief. The believe that I should be happy with what I have, but never be happy with myself.
Yeap. I am smiling because I have all that I can ask for. But at the same time I see clearly my flaws and where I can improve. I should be motivated by the fact that I myself can improve. Well, therein lies the problem. Knowing that I already have all that I can ask for makes me feel that there is no need to look forward.
Ego driven, but there is no benchmark. There is no one to surpass. No clear target. And that isn't good. Maybe I am tired. MAybe I have lost focus of my goals. Indeed I have. But its ok to lose focus. Or is it not?
Is this enlightment? Questioning what is it that I want. Or is this plain laziness.
Is it even ok to stay at this state.
Clearly not. I think life is based upon interaction. And thus relative to the people around me isn't it? I cannot stand still while others move ahead. Time now is 8.43pm. I have until 0900 tomorrow morning.
When I wake up tomorrow. I will know what I want. What I stand for and what is important. That will be the root of my drive. My will. I will shine.
I was driving to school today. Windows winded down, I could feel the wind. Soft rock weekend sets the mood. And I felt happy. I know I am blessed. I lead a good life, with almost nothing to worry about. I have got almost everything a guy my age could ask for. I have got friends who care about me. I have got an active social life. Good grades. Earned the respect of some people around me. I have got a car to drive everyday although it ain't mine. Of cos, human wants are limitless. But I am already satisfied with what I have.I just smiled.
Well, a girl friend. Thats one thing I don't have. But at least there's someone I love. And I missed her.
"When I talk with you, we are seconds apart. But at the same time, we are miles apart"
The knowledge that there are things beyond me
The knowledge that you are away yet again
The knowledge that I can't get what I want
The knowledge that it could still be you
1)Know what you want and how to achieve them
2)The feel good factor comes when you learn to appreciate the situation.
3)Making the best out of the worse situation. That's greatness.
4)When caught in a situation, ask yourself what you feel like doing.
Things I want to achieve over the next 20 weeks.
1. strengthen existing friendship
2. expand social circle
3. improve GPA
4. silence is a weapon
5. stay focused. Be reminded of my goals and be wary of distractions.
6. Don't shortchange myself. Don't be unfair to myself.
One - Up - Lucifer