Finale

Cross roads

2009-05-11T03:10:00.000-07:00

The only reason why I am writing this on a public blog is because I don't know whether its a good idea or a bad idea. Somehow, there are things I want her to hear but I am not sure if its even fair to say such things. There's already much for her to worry and I really don't want to add on to any of it. But I believe in open communication and it will clear the air if se knew what's on my mind. Thus the dilemma. Writing this hear relieves me of having to make a decision. If she reads it, well. If not, well.

"Sorry for not being able to give you want you want"

That's what she said. As if by magic, she could read my mind. I hadn't mentioned anything at all. But somehow, each of her smses seem to dive deeper and deeper into my mind. Or maybe it was the only thing that could be wrong and it made the problem obvious.

I wanted to tell her that I shouldn't be thinking that way. I think that i expect too much but I shouldn't be expecting anything in return. That maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with our relationship. Maybe its based on need and not love.

Am I getting this wrong? Sometimes I feel that its no different from a one sided relationship. Except for the fact that she is accepting of everything I do for her. You know...as opposed to telling me to stop doing all this things. Is acceptance itself a form expressing one's love?

Or could it be that, I am just doing things which are not necessary. That I am over-doing it..to the extent that its not possible for love to be commensurate. But its stupid isn't it.

I once loved someone knowing that nothing would come out of it, without asking for anything in return. Why can't I do it again? But that said, i experienced that only in friendship.

This sucks. And I wish I don't have to think about it

2008-02-25T07:30:00.000-08:00

ahchew says:
i m getting into shitty shape soon..so u shd b on reversal
Kelvin says:
why are we freaking resigned to the fact that we one up one down

I SUCCUMB TO NO EXTERNAL FORCES BECAUSE I AM MY OWN LIGHT. Well fine. I don't believe that i will lose my confidence for life cos it belongs to me and no one and nothing will makeme lose my confidence and pride. IF THERE IS ONE THING I AM FUCKING GOOD AT. ITS MY WILL AND FREAKING STUBBORNESS WHEN IT COMES TO GIVING UP.

I AM SMART

I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT AND NO ONE CAN REALLY STOP ME

CAREER LIFE - I AM AMONG THE TOP 90 PERCENTILE. I DON'T BELIEVE I NEED TO WORK FOR ANYONE

SOCIAL LIFE - I CAN PLAY AS MUCH AS I WISH AND I CAN STILL DO DAMN WELL IN OTHER AREAS COS I AM DAMN GOOD AT MANAGING MY TIME

EMOTIONAL LIFE - I DON'T BELIEVE IN SHORTCHANGING MY PERSONAL WELLBEING SO EVERYTHING ELSE CAN F OFF

IF ANYONE STEPS ON MY TAIL, I WILL SET HIS TAIL ON FIRE

I AM BLESSED TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE

NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS BEYOND ME

2007-11-27T08:41:00.000-08:00

I concede.
Because I now see how different we are.

2007-10-25T05:26:00.000-07:00

I have reached a stage that aptly fits one of my central belief. The believe that I should be happy with what I have, but never be happy with myself.

Yeap. I am smiling because I have all that I can ask for. But at the same time I see clearly my flaws and where I can improve. I should be motivated by the fact that I myself can improve. Well, therein lies the problem. Knowing that I already have all that I can ask for makes me feel that there is no need to look forward.

Ego driven, but there is no benchmark. There is no one to surpass. No clear target. And that isn't good. Maybe I am tired. MAybe I have lost focus of my goals. Indeed I have. But its ok to lose focus. Or is it not?

Is this enlightment? Questioning what is it that I want. Or is this plain laziness.
Is it even ok to stay at this state.

Clearly not. I think life is based upon interaction. And thus relative to the people around me isn't it? I cannot stand still while others move ahead. Time now is 8.43pm. I have until 0900 tomorrow morning.

When I wake up tomorrow. I will know what I want. What I stand for and what is important. That will be the root of my drive. My will. I will shine.

2007-10-06T13:16:00.000-07:00

I was driving to school today. Windows winded down, I could feel the wind. Soft rock weekend sets the mood. And I felt happy. I know I am blessed. I lead a good life, with almost nothing to worry about. I have got almost everything a guy my age could ask for. I have got friends who care about me. I have got an active social life. Good grades. Earned the respect of some people around me. I have got a car to drive everyday although it ain't mine. Of cos, human wants are limitless. But I am already satisfied with what I have.I just smiled.

Well, a girl friend. Thats one thing I don't have. But at least there's someone I love. And I missed her.

"When I talk with you, we are seconds apart. But at the same time, we are miles apart"

2007-09-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

The knowledge that there are things beyond me
The knowledge that you are away yet again
The knowledge that I can't get what I want
The knowledge that it could still be you

2007-08-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

1)Know what you want and how to achieve them
2)The feel good factor comes when you learn to appreciate the situation.
3)Making the best out of the worse situation. That's greatness.
4)When caught in a situation, ask yourself what you feel like doing.

Things I want to achieve over the next 20 weeks.
1. strengthen existing friendship
2. expand social circle
3. improve GPA
4. silence is a weapon
5. stay focused. Be reminded of my goals and be wary of distractions.
6. Don't shortchange myself. Don't be unfair to myself.

One - Up - Lucifer

2007-08-14T10:33:00.000-07:00

Term 2 began well, Ended Fantastic. That's because I managed to achieve all the goals I laid out. SUmmer began well, was fantastic and then I had some setbacks. Morale was low. But now, just when school is about to begin once again, I can feel myself rising again. That is good. I will peak during school term.

Yr 2 term 1 is all about performance. And today, someone asked, how are you going to make a difference. Now, goal setting

Academic/Career Goals
Improve GPA. I don't like to shortchange myself. Lets try for 4.3 this term. Knowing that I achieve a GPA of 4.3 when I have hell lot of stuff going on during the term. Gosh, I will definitely feel high

Expand Network, lias with key positions in the industries. Leverage on connections with OCS.
Framework has been laid. I better achieve it.

Sell someone my own brand of shirt. Heh. A few pieces for a start.

Social goal
This is where I want to make a difference. I want to inspire people and see them motivated to fly. Like me, be positive.

Personal Development
As doro said, I agree that I tend to reflect too much. Its a good thing to reflect. But an overdose of reflection sets performance low by reducing morale. Learn to manage it. Reflect when the time is right. Fuck it when its time to perform. Between being positive and being negative, there is an option. Heck care, ignore temporary, perform.

Escalate pride to a new level.

Learn that silence is a form of restrained strength and that it is a weapon.

2007-08-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

When someone once took that spot
And then you moved on
its really hard for someone else to take that spot
Maybe thats why, my heart has died.
No point looking into the past, no point looking for someone to fill that space.

2007-08-04T19:20:00.000-07:00

I feel f-d up. And I hate the fact that there are things which are beyond me. I seriously hate that.

So much for all the positive thinking. Which builds faith and motivation and keeps me going. Only to dissapoint. And this itself is negative thinking because dissapointment only comes when you focus on the negative.

I am too competitive. And maybe it's time I review my mindset.Maybe what I need to learn is to heck care.Don't care about being positive or negative. Just leave it be.

First it was a stupid jade short which set me back financially and now it is cutting off one arm of me because I can no longer trade.

Then there was a stupid car accident which was pure dumb

And then there is the realisation that I am not among the top ranks in school.

Internal locus of control : Why do I keep fucking up.
External locus of control : Why the fuck do these things keep happening to me.

Its no longer about being positive or being negative. Its one step up, I don't dare to be positive. Fine, I am glad that it is innate in me to be positive and to have great awareness of my emotional state such that I always remain positive. But now I am losing faith in this ability itself. What for?

At this stage, I able to choose between being positive or negative or not to think about it at all. But I don't dare to take any of these options for fear of the consequences. What happened to free will? My confidence is totally shaken and i am keeping it back.

I can't even like a person. And have to tell myself to suppress and destroy the feeling. All these concerns about these and that. WHERE IS FREE WILL?

2007-07-30T23:53:00.000-07:00

Kao, quite pissed off with the fact that I need to think twice about buying a G2000 shirt. Perfect illustration of how financially strapped I am. But who cares, I think its good I have learnt to b thrifty.

And for all the things that I want, I am gonna get it somehow. I gonna earn and save till I can get them this christmas.

And, my ego has inflated yet again, pride is still strong. Good. And I may actually be quite sia lan when school starts.

So, financial goal setting. 6236. thats the starting point.
I will bring it back to my standards.
3764 will bring me back into the 10k mark
but just for the sake of challenge, lets make it 12k. SO 5764 in 5 months. Tough, but possible.

2007-07-29T19:11:00.000-07:00

Had a new business idea lately. May use it for my MA project. Haha. If you are free, can you pls help me do a quick survey? Its just 10 MCQ questions.
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=nnVzANE32mUJIzC0KPPtQQ_3d_3d

2007-07-22T10:48:00.000-07:00

Kaoz...dui...

I have lost that which I value most. The feel good factor. Been trying to get it back desperately but can't. Guess it is going to take time. But i need my aura back. Yea. SOON.

Yeah someone said I have a public persona. I guess its true. Though I am still strongly positive inside. I feel damn f**king dui. Career. Power. Wealth. Respect. Well still there though. Maybe save for wealth. Hate the feeling that there are things beyond my financial capabilities.

And seriously I can't afford to lose confidence cos its damn important to me. My pride cannot take it sia.

2007-07-19T03:54:00.000-07:00

I am totally psyched up.
Yes fuck it, I lost 4 k due to greed and a stupid mistake.

My mantra. Accept failure. Learn the lesson. Turn it into motivation.

I am going to work 10 times harder from this day on so that my starting pay hits at least 6 K.

Thanks to the fact that I have learnt the meaning of pride over ego. So what if I fall hard. I ain't dead. Yesterday, Andrew said I am so positive I am inhuman at times. Yes, I am beyond human.

Right now, I have nothing. But I know I have the potential to be EVERYTHING.

2007-07-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

2007-04-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

Mixed feelings of feeling like a champion and a loser at the same time. It is all about comparison, motivation and drive. I am a V12 at gear 2. I can feel myself losing focus. Haiz. Wake up in the morning and feel like god (is my creation). No one can parallel me.

This holiday, my simple objective is to earn enough cash to sustain myself such that I can splurge in whatever ways I like. And also, to win SIFE. Plus, I want to touch the hearts of african kids.

2007-04-18T04:57:00.000-07:00

I did something today which make me spend a couple of hours reviewing my action and decision. It probably doesn't matter that much to others...worst case scenario, they think i am an idiot. So, in theory I shouldn't bother about it that much. This is an opportunity to learn, to achieve one of my summer goals. Not to be too critical about how others look at me. But then, I really could have done better today. So much for now....

2007-04-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

I hopeit is just the alcohol. Cos right now, I feel my life going downhill. All aspects of my life seem headed to a crashing stop at the bottom of the hill. And I know the root cause. One of it is the fact that my mind is filled with negative thoughts. I need to flush it out of my system.I know I appear more emo to people around me. Be it good or bad, I care not. More importantly, I know I am being affected. If I were to rate myself, it will probably look like this:

Personal well being 3/10
Motivation 6/10
Morale 4/10
Will 2/10
Happiness 3/10

All this, as you can see here, is a clear exhibition of how negative I have become over the past 2 days.Gosh. I miss that feeling, feeling perfect the moment I open my eyes in the morning. I can't bring myself to enjoy even when I am out to have fun. Whatever small things that happen, the negative thought strikes me first. The positive side of it is no where to be seen.Yes, I feel fucked up now. I need guidance...... I want to get out of this soon. It seems like blogging won't give me the answers.

Fine,I give myself up to 12nn to willow in self pity. That's all.

2007-04-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

I questioned: Is there absolute free will?

Lets not tie this with the concept of god. For even if there was a god, god has no claim over my will. More importantly, the quest for absolute free will stems from an intrinsic set of morals and ethical standards. In an amoral world, there will be no guilt and no constraint. Men will do whatever they wish to do. It will be a world of free will. But that is only step one. Everything is a matter of cause and effect. Every impulse that runs through the billions of neurons is a consequence of quantum mechanics. Our thoughts, desires, actions, consciousness and our will are but after effects of a cosmic crunch. There is in theory, no autonomy, no freedom.

Back to the religious take on absolute free will. Lets use lucifer as the classic example. Even he couldn't find absolute freedom after the fall. His will could have been part of god's master plan.
The only way out is to create a reality for myself. It is formed through internalizing the belief that the centre of existence is the consciousness of oneself. At that point, an individual will be creator and judge. In the context of that reality, he will be at the level of god if he so wishes to call himself. There will be absolute free will.

But then...the desire and the process of creating a reality which spins around the individual. Now what's that? We have reach a paradox.

2007-04-12T02:47:00.000-07:00

If i am allowed to throw all the words i ever knew onto this space, I would. I honestly don't know how else i can vent. All i wanted to was to spend a quiet day at home. Yet i get shit every five fucking minutes. I don't even know how to explain it in words. What's your fucking problem. Plain irritating. Comment for the sake of commenting. frog in the well. Retarded and lazy. Get out of my life!!!! Now i have really made up my mind and I understand why I don't want to spend time at home. Its called conflict avoidance.

2007-04-10T05:42:00.000-07:00

Time to take a fifteen minute break from work.
I have decided upon the three attributes which I will attempt to build over the summer.Or you can say, things that I want to improve on.
1) Be much more firm about my stand. I am half way there.
2) Be humble while keeping ego high. It is easy to be humble or to have a biug ego. Balancing it is hard.
3) Be more decisive. I think it comes from remembering minute details of my decision. And then sticking to them. The prime reason why I sometimes seem indecisive is because I say or do something else later on. So remembering my decisions will help.
4) Place more emphasis on relations
5) Learn to heck care what others think "when necessary". A balance with 4 is required.

I have 4 months to do this. It will make me a better person.

2007-04-06T11:14:00.000-07:00

Your Prize: Natural Death by Old age.
Indeed, it is a prize. Considering that death will visit us eventually, there is no point running away from it. Afterall, I tend to think that we judge life and death by comparing ourselves with the person beside us. Instead of devaluing life, death makes life all the more valuable.
What's the purpose of mugging so hard?
Mugging is a mean to an end. Do not be mistaken, GPA is not the end. The resume is not the end. There is only one end afterall. Death. So then, whats the purpose of mugging? Then again death is the ultimate end of any decision and path that we make in our lives. What is the purpose of playing instead of mugging. Killing someone else instead of playing. Mutiliating oneself instead of killing someone else. Hard to find a common base line for all that's mentioned? Well there is. The satisfaction and realisation of freewill or autonomy underlies every single action we take, choice we make or ideas that spark in our heads. Yes. That itself is the purpose of life. If we are unable to make choices or act in accordance to our will, then we are as good as non living.
Why did I use Mugging as an example? Well all I wanted to show is that mugging is a means to good GPA, which is a means to a good resume which is itself a means of increasing the chances of having a good career and so on and so forth. Ultimately, we will still end with death. So lets take a look at each point separately. I look at each point along the process towards death as a benchmark of achievement. Achievment is what I seek. Consistent to the principal of free will, achievement becomes the purpose of my life. This is not to say that it is the sole purpose of life although the concept of achievement itself branches off into varying dimensions. What then is one step before death? Self-actualization? I don't know. What's one step before that. No idea too. But I do know that achievement is somewhere near that end.

One-liner: We are all gonna die, so just do whatever we want before we die. In my case, achievement is what I seek so anything that builds towards that is something meaningful in my life.

-----------------------
Term 2 review
Didn't attend any CEO talks. Unless I count in the fulbirght seminars.
Didn't network with any CEO's too.
Got into SIFE....check
Orgasized school event....check
GPA 4.0....still within control, unmet objective.

Point being. I should f**king buck up cos its f***king unlike me to set goals and don't work towards them.

For the past 2 days, the same problem has been bothering me. There are really many people out there who are more zai than me. I felt a little dismayed. But on the whole, I feel a sense of challenge. I will formalize my objectives for the next 9 years after term exams.

2007-03-23T03:34:00.000-07:00

I had a peculiar dream last night. I dreamt of fighting against either a god or the devil. He slowed me. Made every motion of mine a challenge. He made rain that was blistering cold. Guess what. I won. Because it is afterall, my dream. I have challenged the devil to face off with me for the past three nights. Was that the call? I woke up feeling great pain and my ass was hurting. Who knows why. But still, I won. Thats about all that matters.

From this day on, I will wake up every morning, knowing that no matter who I pit myself against, there is at least three aspects in which I am better and stronger. That makes me unique. That allows me to triump over anything.
Honestly, Lucifer exist because I believe it to be so. He takes the form of what I believe. The existence of a god has always been denied.
To do so is to be god himself and it is not possible in this world.
However, suppose reality revoles around me. In which I am not centre of not just the universe but of reality itself. Instead of being an entity within reality, reality is what I am. The things and people around me exist because I believe them to be so. These are entities within the reality in which I am the crux. In which case I can "be it and be in it"
Even the religious around me cannot find a definition of god which is close enough to this.

2007-03-12T08:03:00.000-07:00

From learning the philosophy behind it. To understanding his mindset. And now internalizing the set of belief. To some, it may appear to be nothing more than self-denial or maybe just another take on religion. But those who really understands it knows what its all about. Pride; self-worth; self-preservation; control; power; nonchalence and finally, freedom.
From being in the light to being the light itself. Following his footsteps have taken a huge part of my life.
Satan is an misconstrued figment of imagination. The fallen angel is a religious spin-off for the concept of "evil". Lucifer himself. That's a different story. Lucifer is fiction. Lucifer is nothing more than a philosophy. A set of belief that has evolved from bibles (fiction too), conceptualised over centuries into a story and then a character and now, they conveniently call "it" the devil.
Neither god nor the devil exist. Both exist as two sides of the same coin - belief.
And now, that I have internalized it, what will I be? For simplicity, I will just name myself after the "belief". I am The Light.

2007-03-04T23:30:00.000-08:00

On another note: There is always someone out there who is better, smarter, more capable or simply more well off.
In other words, there is always someone out there to compete again, to surpass.
It takes effort, time, focus and determination. There is no finishing line.

2007-03-04T19:33:00.003-08:00

Hey dude, losing your focus yet again. Buck up or lose out.
Simple rule to follow.
Think I have been doing well lately. Hope it is not just a illusion of my slackness.
Grades are still part of my short term goal. As of now, I don't feel like I am in control. Maybe I ain't feeling the urge to mug yet.
Come to think of it, everyone can achieve what I have now if they sacrifice everything else, so what makes me special.
i think its a challenge to maximise work and fun
New mentality: to maximise enjoyment and performance at the same time.

Honestly, I think that i am a prodigy. I am fucking smart! HAHA. no wait. I am smarter than god,

2007-03-04T19:33:00.002-08:00

2007-03-04T19:33:00.001-08:00

2007-03-04T19:33:00.000-08:00

2007-02-21T22:56:00.000-08:00

I won't let this continue for much longer.
Need to wake up my idea and save myself from going downhill.
I feel that my wellbeing and happiness is being exposed to externalities.
If I hide and shield it, I will never learn.
The one word, insecurity.
From not being aware of it.
To being aware of it
And not attempting to overcome it.
It will take time for sure.
But I don't the way things are now.
Cos I am not in fucking control of my own wellbeing.
And in short, I am not taking good care of MY life.

The short solution, fuck it, heck care.
If you can do it once, you can do it again and again and again.
You grow out of it.

2007-02-18T09:25:00.000-08:00

I don't like the way things up.
Its plain obvious to me and everyone else in the world that i have got a little something for her.
I don't want it that way.
Maybe I am just trying to deny this feeling.
Flip side of the coin: Maybe my gut feeling is right, this is just a mere crush with no end in mind.

I wish for the latter but shadows of what I have done in the past hunts me. Reminds me of my immaturity, reminds me of how I am a coward who only knows how to evade the truth.

Maybe I should consult myself. What do I really want? I want someone to complete my me. And relationship is the last piece. So I really don't want to waste efforts on these stuff before I attain my other goals. And what should I do? I think its to ignore it, do nothing because I tend to do the wrong stupid things. Enjoy the moment, and fight for the things I want. Ok. I am all set.

2007-02-16T07:38:00.000-08:00

Amazing.

A few hours back, I was telling someone to take things in stride. Not get stressed, to relax and such.

I was driving back home, and generating stress over nothing. Honest facts: I am not sure if I can get my internship because honestly, i felt I could have done better.Nervous? No. Lack of preparation? No. Only reason I can contemplate: lack of experience, not zai enough.

And now I am reminded of my 10 years goal. 47 days into the new year, I don't think I have made much progress.

So, back to the topic of generating stress. It think it's what motivates me, always making myself feel that I am not performing up to par keeps pushing me up. And when you up the ante, you look back and realise that unknowingly, you have surpassed many others. The only reason why I feel I am underachiving is because I can't surpass myself. Damn.

And so I settle with cointreau-tonic. No work tonight. I just wanna rest well. And hopefully, its gonna be sunshine waking me up tomorrow morning. Somehow, I can't feel chinese new year.

2007-02-10T08:45:00.000-08:00

I think I need to start by asking myself why on earth I am pissed. Am i pissed with myself or pissed because of what others did. Cos ifs its the latter, then I ought to be ashamed of myself. How can I possibly let others affect my mood.
Arg fuck!no one crosses that line and affect my mood.

2007-02-05T09:10:00.000-08:00

AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Thats all.

What the fuck is wrong with me!!!! Don't be confused. I have never been more focused in my work,more motivated or experience a higher morale.
But, there is a vulgarly wrong train of thought going through my mind that is irritating. Though its not affecting any aspect of me,save my mood, its pissing me off.

2007-01-29T08:42:00.000-08:00

performance indicator:
Sat - 2/10
Sunday -4/10
Monday - 5/10. I give myself credit for contributing towards TWC and BGS project and finishing the bulk of my Stats Assignment. Other than that. 2 thumbs down.

What makes me pissed of is the fact that I know whats the problem - distraction.
I can't think of a way to solve the problem and I can't summon the will to solve it.

Another thing.The dilemma of moving away from this problem solving mentality and don't think about it. The SOI issue. I don't even want to spell it out.

Third. My discipline is like gone.

Fourth issue. I am way too careless about the things I do and how I relate to others. In short, I don't know what the star I am doing. I am doing things one moment and feeling dumb about myself the next. I am leading my day to day life with no sense of direction.

So if you think about it in terms of my 5 Ms of Success - Morale, motivation, Mission, Measures and Mind.

Motivation is no where in sight. My will is Gone F. As such I am straying off the process(measure) and all this leads to an overall decline in morale. Good thing is, the long term goal is unshaken. Wonderful, seems like the interconnected parts of my engine is crumbling.

Worse of all, my mom is pissing me off with stupid questions.

Separate issue: I was just telling Lifeng about scandal management. It seems to have ricochete back to me. Which leads me back to point one. I am partially responsible. Yet I can't seem to do anything. Maybe I don't have to do anything. But I am feeling uncomfortable not doing anything about it and letting the situation stray off on its own. Dilemma. Should I close the doors and sort myself out? Or should I, as I have sworn to learn, be brave enough to stick through this SOI issue, sort it once and for all. Option, 2.

You know what, I am gonna sleep now. And when I wake up tomorrow, I will bear three things in mind.
1. I won't allow anything to shake my emotions or my mind.
2. I give myself 1 month to sort this SOI issue, bearing in mind the concept of "I do as I wish"
3. Because I still know what my goals are, and I still want to achieve them, this is only a passing phase.

2007-01-28T08:42:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to say about my weekend. Its almost useless. I slept till 12 on saturday and then went for waikiki recee at sentosa. Yes in the rain. After that, dinner at newton circus was outstanding. Though its expensive as well. Realise marilyn is too stubborn for me to waste my breath so I shall let her have her way and reap the benefits. Muahahaha. And thats it for my fucking saturday. I basically did nothing.
Oh well, I slept at 11 and woke up around 1 today. Spent like 1.5 hours studying my TWC and thats about it before going to school for TWC meeting. Came home to watch TV. Well I really like the show and was glad I managed to catch "The Apprentice" after missing it for a number of weeks. But then..gosh..I am so bloddy slack I wanna cry. Boo!

Don't compare me with others/ yourself. Just because you are slacker doesn't justify my time wasting. Ahh!!! Its not that I am spending too much time watching TV and such. Its part of having a balanced life. Its just that I am not optimizing time usage. Imagine the hours wasted sleeping, only to make me feel more lathergic in the day.

2007-01-24T05:52:00.000-08:00

Some things are no big deal and acceptable by all standards, but not mine. When my goals and my grades are at stake, I will do anything to eliminate all barriers. I can't be more pissed off with myself. Time and again, I have proven how I am negligent and careless with my work. Can't be more embarassed.Haiz.

2007-01-20T00:15:00.000-08:00

Cousin's getting married this weekend. I like my new white shirt from Esprite. Haha. Well, the guys quite good really. Before my uni days, I always though he is the symbol of success. At the age of 26, he is a captain drawing a pay of around 3.5k? can afford to buy his own car and house. Was a Saf scholar. Nice guy. I wasn't certain if I could achieve those standards.

Now, I am pretty sure. Unless things go wrong. Based on my performance now, I am quite confident that I can surpass the standard he has set. For that I am happy. My strong desire for achievements in terms of career and influence has led some to believe that I am "growing out of proportion". The truth is, I value success in a number of dimensions including career, power, family, social and emotional. And I do know what it means to be successful in each. I consistently kao beh myself for my lack lustre performance in school. Thats my way of motivating myself. But I definitely ain't negative. Because over the past 3 years, I have grown in terms of emotional stability. I am highly motivated on 4 out of 7 mornings. Come home feeling good and waiting to disturb my sisters. What most people do not see is that I have been making the effort to build a healthy circle of friends. We all know how important it is to have friends supporting you when you are down and low.

Success as defined above? I am pretty certain of it. But I ain't trumping the world yet. My philosophy still holds.
Aim to reach the stars knowing that you will be comfortable if you only reach jupiter. But at the same time, remind yourself that you are more than capable to hit the galaxies.

2007-01-15T07:51:00.000-08:00

Somehow, my lowerback is aching for no reasons. Don't know what the hell happened by its quite pain. Damn it. Another hectic day, and I am glad cognitare case competition has ended. We did well today and I firmly believe that we are among the top performing teams of the 8. My honest opinion is that we have a good chance of winning the top 2 prizes.

In terms of individual performance, I think I could have done better if I had more time to rehearse. As usual,pronounciation problems. Other than that, I think I have reached a new level in presentation confidence. Good Job. But I still think that there are certain areas where I can improve on.

Anyway, I am truly happy that I am on the way to achieving my goals for term 2. Although my chance of getting into cognitare is slim, I secretly believe that I will be able to make it to the next round and into the team eventually. As of now, I feel that my chances are 12.5 percent. 1 out of 8. In other words, I think I am better than half of the people who took part.

Over the past 2 days, I notice something about my confidence level. It seems that after having put ego aside for sometime, my confidence has sky rocketed. It will be dumb to speak of the individual moments here because they are insignificant compared to how you feel inside. Its about how sure I was of my own capabilities. In the past, it was ego when I said those words but these days, I truly believe deep down that I can and that I will. Once again good job.

For a moment, I felt like I was a star. As much as I am aware, 3 have compared themselves with stars. Samael himself. Jesus, who said "I am Lucifer" according to Revelation 12.16 and J. Ceasar.

For now, even though I am in cruise mode, I am pretty taxed. And it is all this little sense of achievements which makes me feel that nothing is impossible. Having been spending time at home. As usual, I am critical with myself and I am pretty comfortable with that. Afterall, I am always generating internal stress to keep myself running. So, although I do appreciate people who are concerned about me and keep asking me to relax. I can only say that maybe you guys are thinking a little too much. I never felt that life is more balanced and meaningful before.For one, I think I am spending a little too much time talking cock on msn. So that will have to cut down a little. Afterall, my GPA is already below par and I seriously got to pump up my grades this term.

To end of this long blog entry, I am pretty unhappy with what someone said today. For one, I am not really interested in watching basketball matches. While I do enjoy sports, I don't really enjoy watching them. But thats not the main point. The thing is, I feel that while it is indeed a nice thing to do; going down to support a friend who is playing in a match is not top piority. I haven't spend much time at home and I have unsettled work plus I am lagging on readings. Therfore, I am firm with my stand. I really can't stand such soft coercion. Makes me feel like I am guilty. What the...oh well.

2007-01-13T08:05:00.000-08:00

Talk about an exciting university life. Haha. I have a 3 day week class schedule, but I am running on a 7 day work week.

Began CLAP with audrey on thursday, and then went back to school to mug a little of BGS. It started raining quite badly from Thursday night and continued till friday.So I gave Lifeng a ride to school. The rush caught me, so I forgot to bring my books and shower stuff for the night's cognitare. Either way, it was quite fun. Reminded me of the clublife meetings. Although I forgot all about the night's cognitare, I didn't forget to wear RED. aha. The colour of aggression. Heheh. Time to speak up in class, maybe I spoke abit too much for BGS, but considering that it is such a competitive class, how can K. Low sit on the side bench.

So..cognitare and overnight-no-sleep planning. Heck...alot of stuff eluded my half awake mind. Heck! I am better than that! But oh well, the primary objective for taking part is to know what it is like. I will be there again in year 2, suppose I don't get through this time round. Chances are slim, but things are still going as planned. Breakfast at Toa Payoh. Back to Nafa to clock my CLAP hours.

Audrey and I came up with new meanings for CLAP which is supposed to mean Cultural Literacy Attachment Programme. But now it means Come Lets All Party and Cultural Little, Appetite plentiful. Cos everytime we CLAP, we gonna look for a new place in town for lunch. haha. Doubt anyone ever though clap was fun. So I went back to school at 2 to settle the LKC interview proposal and then reached home at 4 plus. Took a nap but it unknowingly stole 5 hours of my precious time!!! Tried to study my TWC and prepare for class participation but don't know what the hell I was doing. Maybe I need more rest. Oh...tomorrow is sunday? But guess what? Waikiki recee at 10. Presentation rehearsal at 3. Wonderful. I hardly have time for my precious bedroom. Next week is week 3, and I think projects are beginning to enter my life.

Sometimes, I stop and wonder...whether all this are worth it. It seems like every part of my uni life is still going as planned. A balance of fun, study and climbing the rungs. But..what if I made a fundamental mistake in my planning and all these efforts don't pay off...? 9 years, 1 Dream. Life begins at 30.

2007-01-10T07:17:00.001-08:00

Haiz...I don't know whats wrong with me. Being a total idiot. Making a fool of myself. Yeah. Its all fun. But I am not being myself. I am distracted. Losing Focus. And hell. The way I am treating others..its too careless.

2007-01-10T07:17:00.000-08:00

2007-01-05T03:00:00.001-08:00

Haiz...another not so glorious entry.
Performance indicator for the day? 1.0/10
1 point for saying "suppliers" and for the decent shirt.

I can't believe I was dumbstruck. I couldn't fucking speak up in class. What on holy fuck earth is happening to me. In terms of knowledge, I definitely do not lack behind even if I am not the most knowledgable. All the nitty gritty techniques for speaking up, I have them all too. WHat the fuck? Was I shy in front of all my friends? Or was I just plain zero on confidence. Either way its totally unacceptable. I imagine how people like Janice Yeo will be speaking up in a class like this. Seems like I have everything but just not exhibiting them. Totally disappointed with myself. I am glad that this is a wake up call. Compared with people like her, I am way off the mark because I CAN"T SPEAK UP.

on another more encouraging note, maybe its the bad stomach. Maybe its the early morning. Maybe its just a bad day. This will not happen again. And you know what, from this day on, I will have a piece of plain paper and a pen with me to structure my thoughts and follow the class discussion. Objective for the term: To be able to speak structuredly, with confidence and look like I really know the stuff. It will begin with pen and paper mind maps.

I thought this would be a good way to initiate

1. Understand the main point of the discussion
2. Brain storm possible related case studies, stories, scenarios etc
3. Draw reference between what I know and the main point beging discussed
4. Identify my point
5. Subtantiate my points
6. Quick mental rehearsal
7. Speak up.
If this doesn't work, I will try again.

Dude. You have 3280 days, you better be making progress on every single day.

2007-01-05T03:00:00.000-08:00

2006-12-30T21:41:00.001-08:00

Almost cried in the car this morning.
FUCK!!! I am 21 and I have achieved NOTHING!!!!!

2006-12-26T09:07:00.000-08:00

Just read the December issue of Arena, and now I know why i consider Arena my inspirational magazine. Just look at the type of condominium the rich are living in. Price at over 14mil, we take St. Regis for example. Its not just a condo anymore, its a way of life when you have got too much money in your coffer. This is what I call the orgasmic rich dream.

I know I will be there someday. Although the path ain't so clear at the present moment, I can feel it there, somewhere behind that uncertain mist. And that day will come.

2006-12-23T03:07:00.000-08:00

I am not being as great as I can be.
When I parted myself with KTG one year back, I made myelf smaller than I am.
Because I dare not pick up that pride.
But why shouldn't I?
I can feel that aura of greatness coming back to me slowly, but surely.

2006-12-22T10:51:00.000-08:00

can you just shut up.
I don't want to hear from you.
I don't want to talk to you.
Your voice irritates me cos you talk rubbish.
Get out of my life!!!!

Arrrggghhh!!!!
I am insecure.
Scared of failure.
That makes me a loser.
Fuck!!!

2006-12-19T05:58:00.000-08:00

Its been raining the whole day!!!
Just a few things I wanna say.
See ying ting is stubborn, hope she learns. I shall be nice to her.
I hate bastards, cos they remind me of the bastard things that I did.
Remorse, feed on my soul please.
I am a lazy idiot. Sleeping is a waste of my life.
For the thousandth time, at this rate I am going, I will never achieve half of my goals.
I am not a nice person, there is still the sleeping samael inside.
I hate the 7 days between christmas and new year.
Damn, I don't wanna turn 21 yet. I still have plenty of unfinished business!!!!!

2006-12-16T07:16:00.000-08:00

Back from Thailand, back to reality to face the nagging and all the work that has snowballed. Just woke up from a 5 hr nap and here I am. I hope all these work pays off ...(spaced off thinking about the LKCSP stuff)...

All's well, Bangkok was fun though I wasn't feeling very well on 2 of the days but still..yeah.Breakfast in bed was quite a killer experience. Gonna try room service dinner next time. With wine music. I realise my Bro is ten times for girly than on the surface.

Oh! How can I miss out the show (if you know what I am talking, good for you; else,too bad). Holy shit. Its stunning!!Beer bottle! I can't even open it with my hands. To think they can open it with the *censor*. DAmn!

I had window sit on the return journey. Looking out, I saw clouds extending out towards infinity. It was a magnificent view; makes me realise how small I am; makes me wanna sky dive through those cloud and have nothing within 10km radius of me.

I think I shall rest early tonight, so that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I willbe energetic enough to clear all my work like I did. Else, this holiday will be seriously screwed.

2006-12-11T09:20:00.000-08:00

I feel I should blog to conclude the end of term 1. At the present moment, my feelings are mixed. Part happy, but disappointed, part stressed.

Except for my grades, I have achieved all other goals I have set out for myself. I missed the mark of a 4.0 GPA. Though i ain't far off, missing the mark does make a big impact. If janice can do it, I don't see why I can't. In terms of establishing myself in SMU, i think I have done well too. Since its my blog, I shall be honest. LTB was a learning experience, i think scoring A+ shows something about how people look at me in terms of leading. Being chosen as chair for LKCSP, I am happy too, it probably doesn't mean much to the rest, but in my point of view, its a recognition that people trust me to a certain extent. I am happy for that too. As to establishing myself socially, I think the westzone supper club, haha, although quite cui, was a great way to socialising. I am happy that most of my friends are more than Hi-bye friends. I believe I took the extra mile and effort to forge honest friendships.

I also learnt about my flaws. Going after debz, realising that we ain't really matching, being frank with the fact that I am insecure internally and learning to overcome that. Learning how to go beyond my ego to develop true confidence. Learning how to be nice to people so that it recipocrates. Speaking of which, I don't really know how I feel towards debz. I always held the opinion that I have got everything in the worl and all I need is a woman to complete my life. I did crush on her majorly back then. But somehow, it seems like I am still looking for that special someone to complete me. well...life.haha

2006-12-04T12:01:00.000-08:00

Now that exams are over, its time to study the serious stuff. I have been enjoying myself to the core and I think it's about time I get down to some work too. On a side note, I am on track in terms of achievement. Reviewing the goals of term 1, I think I have achieved them save for the GPA. SUX!!
Time to put in more effort to realise my dreams!!!

2006-12-01T08:31:00.000-08:00

The sleek black. 2 Red eyes at the back.She hums as she glides pass. I quiet murmur of suppressed power. The blue and the white quarters. The BMW. I wanna get behind the wheels of a BMW coupe. To own one of them, and drive one home. My target, 28.

The young man. The goals, the dreams the Vision. The strong desire to improve.But do not forget young man, as you erode off your flaws, that perfection itself is a flaw.

The controversy, the burden of being good. The reputation, the need to keep social relations up to mark. The desire to be zai, sia lan and at the same time, nice.

-Kelvin

2006-11-29T08:04:00.000-08:00

Last day of exam tomorrow. Time to have fun. Will I become a successful day trader and earn 100 bucks a day? Can I?

2006-11-27T05:17:00.000-08:00

I am Damn Bored!!!!!!!
Sitting in SMU library, I can see a nice building across the road. But, no idea whatbuilding that is anyway. Its monday night and the last of 2 exams for the term is on thursday. I am left with a couple of chapters for biz law and there are some statutes to cover. Thats about it. Furthermore, its an open book exam. Whats there to study...seriously. Have been consistent throughout the term and even though i got pretty hung by the balls for the 25% mid term exam, I feel that I should just go in and take the paper now. Yeah..even the knowledge that I need an A+ for this paper to pull my grades back up is not helping. Am I slack, over confident or plain can't be bothered.Haiz...
Everytime I get bored, I ask myself what is the one thing I wanna do. And for now...hell yeah!! I am in the library. The neural network journals!!! Wheeee!!!

2006-11-24T09:07:00.000-08:00

Its a cold night. Class 95 got me emo. Got me thinking about a whole lot yet again.
I am glad I have learnt from my mistakes and moved on, moved on from where I was a long term ago.
I dreamt of you last night. Peculiar dream. And when I woke up, it was raining. Poetic irony. So i beckon the bunch of them studying in the library to go out and enjoy the orchestra for a short 5 minutes.
Tonight, here I am again. A journal to the tunes of life. And here I have someone rattling away. It leads me to think. Love is, afterall, a fallacy.

2006-11-23T08:52:00.000-08:00

I don't know how to put this in words.
All i can do is to recognise this as one of my flaws.
and say that either we can't communicate, or we simply can't live with each other.
You can't force certain things.
People go around with different motivations and different objectives.
What we want might be so totally differnt they are exclusive.
At times,i feel pissed. At times, I am sorry that i cannot comply. Otherwise, I am just lost.
saying that these are just the harsh facts of life is really just another way of subtle avoidance.
Do not feel rejected though. I know life ain't easy.
All this does suck at times.

2006-11-15T08:06:00.000-08:00

Woah! LTB is finally over. But good friends have been made.
Anyway, the coffee bean opposite SESS is sub standard man.
Dear Kelvin,
You have been slacking for how many days already!! The last time you did a FA paper is saturday. It is already thursday now and you have made no substantial progress. Can you try to buck up!
Oh, and she is seriously damn hot.
-Kelvin

CEO talk tomorrow. Hope dinner will be good. Time to wear my nice shirt again!! Yeah. I am so happy. Also, i learnt that it is actually within my financial capability to buy a car. Heh heh. So a car by age 26 is actually possible and realistic. Yeah man.Afterall, a car is only around 80k. If I get paid 10K per month, save everything and live purely on my savings, I can pay off a car in full in no time. Whats so difficult? Don't even need to finance the car. Oh come on, 10k starting pay is possible. I am confident I can do it.

-Peace-

2006-11-10T01:16:00.000-08:00

Two sides of the coin. This is probably the last of it. Probably. Hopefully. Tuition is getting on me. Not because I can't afford the time. But rather, because of the time constrain that's being imposed on me. It sucks big time.

Yet another afternoon wasted. I had wanted to get a hair cut. Gym. Study. But look what I have just done. wasted the entire afternoon doing ONE fa balance sheet which doesn't even balance. This is SHIT. the last weekend was even better. 2 days spent on doing one bloody learning journal. Its good that I have got a great deal of free time. It shows that I am managing my time well. But hey, I can be putting all this time to good. Use. Look!!! exams are just around the corner, in fact its like 2 weeks ahead. I should be studying my biz law and FA. Or at the very least I should be having fun.!!!!

Ok, let me start by reminding myself of the goals for this term.
GPA>4.0 HAHA. almost gone.
I have written down my speculations to
COmms: A-
LTB B+
FA: A
Biz Law B+ Which comes to around 3.5 This sucks

CEO talk next thurs. remember to remind pris.
Jamboori next sat. Ok. remember to follow up.
what elsE?

2006-11-07T10:53:00.000-08:00

To the special someone,
Happy birthday. If there is one person in this world who have seen all my flaws and acknowledged all my strengths. Scolded me when I deserve it and shower concerned when I am low. Its you. You taught me alot, made me grow up. But kelvin still has got alot to learn.

And although I know full well you don't want me to say this, I still gotta say it: For all that I have done, I am sorry. I wish I never put you through all that

Still. I wish that you have a happy 21st. Share your smile with me. A poem for you.

To everyone else out there,
if you are going anywhere near the g** word, you are gonna get it...

2006-11-07T06:33:00.000-08:00

Haven't slept to the tune of class 95 for a long time. As always, it rox. Been a long day today, and energy is seeping out of me. Dude, focus, Dude!!!
War cry!!

2006-11-06T08:24:00.000-08:00

Every weekend, I will pick up on piece of past year biz law paper and then start writing the structure of the essay. So that eventually, I won't screw up by Biz law paper again. So that I can get at least a B flat and still maintain a GPA of above 3.4. Is this bloody sufficient assurance for you Kelvin?!

And I will do 7 time past year FA term papers so I can get a bloody A+. At the same time, earn some cold hard cash by selling those papers.

Stay focused on your goals dude. Nothing is beyond you. Positive thinking is your strength and you should start playing the cards now.

-burn the tarot.

2006-11-04T22:29:00.000-08:00

I think that I have been pretty uncool over the past few days. For good reasons.
Firstly, I have been quite lazy with school work. But what I am really unhappy about is the way I have been treating myself. I haven't been fair to myself. I treated myself like a loser simply because I felt that way. Undermining my personal well being. That's not how I should treat myself. No way. To get the best out of the worse situation, thats style.

I have spent time building upon my confidence, now its time to build upon my sense of internal security. As always, such times ain't easy. Obstacles and hurdles are bound to be in the way. But I believe I can walk out of it a better person. Because I can and I will. Remember how Power is nothing without Will?

What happened to the saying "I do as I wish". I won't like that degrade to a mere fallacy. And what happened to "I have never failed to achieve anythign I set out to achieve". It's not really about achievement per se. Its about acknowledging self worthiness and the fighting spirit.

I have come thus far. I cannot lose sight of my vision and goals now. I simply can't afford to do so. I never felt more confident than this. When I said:

"My greatest strength is that I am able to evaluate myself, set ambitious objective and then know whats best, so that I can systematically achieve them"

At this moment, I am tremendously happy with myself and I am touched. I think I have made a breakthrough above and beyond my JC golden age. I am proud my myself.

I think I should be an inspirational speaker.

2006-11-03T10:16:00.000-08:00

That's bad. Thats really really bad.

2006-11-02T07:38:00.000-08:00

Haiz.I learnt something today. Janice is darn right about my insecurity. This morning I was just telling myself that I have built my confidence significantly over the past months. But then, security is a totally different issue. And...haiz....it led to quite undesirable consequences.

I figured my internal locus of control is way too strong for my own good. Such that, when I don't see the full picture, I feel uncertain. And such uncertainties rise too easily. Whats more, I often speculate such uncertainties to bizzare possibilities. Thats damn bad.

I need to work on this if I really want to become the person I envisage myself to be. Afterall, being a better man takes time. For 1, I think I should link confidence with my locus of control. I think I can supress uncertainties with that. The next thing is to cut down on speculations.

Its afterall part of growing up. Damn. I think I just shot myself in the leg. I feel like...A BBB rating treasury bond being devalued to a junk bond overnight. Haiz.

2006-11-01T21:02:00.000-08:00

I am glad that my new found confidence can cushion against this. But still, it came really abruptly. Not that it's some catastrophic setback but. It really changes the way I look at everything. To think that I have actually been in the blind. Gosh, was I stupid.

And so...show hand or pass. It is afterall a game and very much a gamble.The only words I can contemplate now is "what the f**k". The good thing is that I am amazingly composed and calm;unshaken. I am part pissed, part dissapointed, part shocked and part sad.what the...

-period

2006-11-01T08:52:00.000-08:00

Why is it that I am either irritated, frustrated or simply pissed off everynight. Stop disturbing me!!!!

2006-11-01T00:39:00.000-08:00

A hallmark card. Sparks memories. But what's lost is lost.
So...what brithday gift can travel a thousand miles....
for a friend so far away.

BCA

2006-10-30T22:45:00.000-08:00

Hmm..Am i too confident for my own good?

Anyway, walking my hamster in my room is damn fun..until my mom finds out about it. Bet she will scream. Haha. Not like I care. Anyway, I think its time I step up! step up! and step up! Each for a different aspect......trying hard to be nice...but it ain't that easy.

Black collar worker? Why worker? I shall coin the new term "Black Collar Leader"
BCL: The new alpha male.

2006-10-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

Hope I have found my way into the organizing commitee for Waikiki 07. Good news. Haha and today, I think my bowling improved. Tweaked some techniques here and there. Seem like I am on track for achieving my goals. Yeah!!

Again!!Damn it.But what can I do?Fine...I got better things to do too.

2006-10-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

I feel good today. Yeah, my morning started off wonderful. Though my dad threw my toothbrush away...was really excited about wearing my new cufflink shirt. Drove to school, and felt like I was a young CEO, poised for success. Imagine that feeling. If only I was driving my own BMW and not my dad's car.

Realised that I forgot to bring my cue cards for COMMS presentation and I didn't really get to do a round of rehearsal too. But, HA! who cares. It just came flowing during the presentation. Apparently, I heard that the TA was impressed and even put up a line of praise on his msn private message. I hope Dr. John was impressed too. I believe she is. During my presentaion, I felt that I really did engage the class and caught their attention. Yeah. Makes me up my confidence..not my ego.

Then there was the LTB quiz which I stupidly forgot to look at my score. Anyway, dinner at cartel was so so. Watched MirrorMask with Joseph while waiting for Deb. Has supper too.

At this juncture, I must really say that I am not very satisfied with my morals. I feel my morals and reasons at conflict with each other. Damn.

2006-10-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

Ha, feeding my hamsters is something damn fun. What more when my mum starts to scream!!Muahahah. Little Rats, keep trying to run out.

I feel I have found my drive. With that, I suddenly feel that I am not doing enough, feel as if I am short changing myself, not putting in enough effort to attain my goals. I need to work harder. Step one is to stop whinning and to do what I got to do.

2006-10-23T20:25:00.000-07:00

Did goal setting a few days back. At least now I feel I have something to work towards. All the egoistics statements lose meaning almost suddenly. Thats where my drive went missing. I believe I can do it. Well thats a statement of confidence. Of cos I can, is a statement of Ego. I see the difference now.

Anyway, Deb emo recently. Maybe I am overreacting but I somehow find myself responsible. Is that strong or weak self-concept? But I am quite unhappy with the fact that while I am quite an open book, deb never ever speak the mind. Part of the game?

Looking forward to monday...haiz...need to wait....again!!!!

but before monday, there is friday to look forward to!!! I wanna wear my new shirt for my Comms presentation. Yeah!!!

2006-10-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

Went for Yanzhi's party with Janice today. It turned out to be quite fun really. Finding the way there was quite fun. We met with some difficulties trying to get to acid bar too. Gosh!! I emptied half the tank.

Janice was great company. And she taught me quite alot today too. Learnt a great deal of stuff and also made some self discoveries. For one, she confirmed something I was slowly beginning to believe. I always hide behind my ego. Without it, I am stranded. For a simple reason. I lack true confidence; and to a certain extent, pride. I must work on that!!!!
I will!!

2006-10-20T10:36:00.000-07:00

shut the fuck uo, i am not interested.

A 1 day experience

2006-10-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

...no, actually 2 days. My MSN account was some how plagued with connectivity problems. I just couldn't log on. And It feels as if I am stranded on an island, with no means of communication with the outside one. This really shows how successful Microsoft is. All this software and stuff. They become part of your everyday life. It becomes a necessity. Msn for one expands the way you connect to people. Years ago, there was the telephone. You got to record down your friends number and you call them. Then with handphone and SMS, it became easier

Yeah

2006-10-15T10:02:00.000-07:00

Feel much better today. A little reminder to the things that make me tick as well as the stuff i really want to achieve really did boost my morale. But I think I am still not in top form yet. Earlier part of next week should be tough. Friday's for october fest and sat's for yanzhi's bday party. Sunday's for sentosa!!! HAHAH. Oh, and I forgot I need to shop for that killer shirt to be worn during my Comms presentation. K.Low's half way back.

Think I have got sufficient content for the second story. Maybe I can piece my poems to write the story of Zente. And also, when people ask "who's Zente" and when people ask "What kind of god is he" Speaks mountain. Now I need a title.

K.Low

2006-10-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

1 a.m. and here I am haunted by distant memories. A tinge of bittersweet, peppered with a little heartache. Doh...time really flies. Episodes of life come into and come to pass. Stories that bear so much are reduced to memories and words in Lucien's Library. It shuts down my egosphere and shakes me deep within. I have come far from there. Stories inbetween no one heard. Wel...there are..a number of keepers. Ready to tell the story, if they do remember. Haha. Thats all part and parcel of this long journey. I have changed alot to.I compare myself at various stages of my life, Sec school? JC..NS...and here I am, not quite at the end of this ongoing process of change and growing up.

Hmm..and I haven't been quite like myself of late...something that irks me...somehow, I feel vulnerable. Not like times when I feel I could take on the world. I wanna feel that way again. The feeling of invulnerability, of being the best and thrashing the rest, feeling as if everything else is a speck of dust, feeling on top of the world. Where did that feeling go? What do I need to find that. I haven't lost sight of my goals, not at all....damn...wtf...am i doing...

2006-10-11T02:08:00.000-07:00

I am human too. And so I feel. Right now, I feel fucked up. All fucked up inside. Yes, I am screwed up deep inside. I know it. I always knew. Just that I never show it and I don't care about it. But at times, the situation just reveals the rotten core of the apple. Not now. Not now. When everything is fresh and I am off to a good start in school. I wanna enjoy the high flying golden age. I don't wanna let this crumble me. No.

I want to say "Not me, thats unlike me" but I can't garner the strength so say so. Is allmy ego and outer confidence a mere puff? Maybe the saying is true. I wanna run somewhere and hide. FUCK!

ARRGGG

2006-10-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

..Things just keep getting on my nerve. I am pissed off with everything that doesn't go my way. Something is wrong. And I need to sort that out!!!!

Unholy Ascension

2006-10-09T06:34:00.000-07:00

If there is one place you ought not to be, its my egosphere. You can try to enter it. Sometimes, it reaches out and attempts to engulf you. But the mechanism works naturally this way: Nothing goes in. Anything that comes near the sphere will feel the flames. Because deep inside, right smack in the middle of it, is a core - an amalgation of feelings. The egosphere protects it. It is a defensive mechanism. It pre-empts any vector that may be of harm. At times, it echos the words of the core "Don't play with me, cos I ain't playing"

While lucifer's will runs on his pride and is infinite, Zente's will is only as strong as his ego. Beyond that...

And now that Aura protects me.

2006-10-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

I learnt something about myself today. Alot of times, I tend to be pushy. This is not the first time I unintentionally piss someone off. It can end up quite bad. I need to change that... seriously. Be self aware at times when I am proposing ideas. Don't force people. Thats damn uncool.

Also, When I get excited, I become very "Loud". Thats very uncool too.

The worse thing

2006-10-06T23:29:00.000-07:00

that can happen is this: Your ego is on the rise, and then for no obvious reason, it starts to take a plunge. Like a profit taking trading day. Your confidence suddenly feels shaken. That causes you to lose sight of what you want. From then on, a chain reaction can make you go all the way down.

Thats me at the moment. One week of break and I don't have a clear plan of how to make full use of my time. I am not too sure of my social well-being. Maybe I have set expectations that were too high and too ambitious. Now that I am halfway up, the cliff seems too high to scale. As for deb, the positive prospect that I have maintained thus far appear more and more like a fallacy.

Will my ego, once described as my defensive mechanism, save me from the plunge? I need my goals to keep me focused and on track. Career, Social influence, Power. "Systematically taking steps towards my objectives" thats what I once said. My present state is unlike me.

Zen v Zon

2006-10-05T07:45:00.000-07:00

Zen: You are great Kelvin, of course, you only say this when no one is already. but yeah you are great.
Zon: So how do you justify the fact that you didn't achieve at least an A for your biz law report
Zen: Bathe in your ego, feel good and then its time to roll again. Be humble. Your ego is your strength and your weakness.
Zon: You know your presentation skills are not up to the mark. Even if...
Zen: You are better than most others
Zon: You ain't the best of the best
Zen: No pain no gain
Zon: You are far from what you strive to be
Zen: Do something!Trump.

Notice the difference in their style of speech. The intelligent versus the emotional prodigy. Somehow, the line seem to blur towards the end.

Yeah, I still am

2006-10-03T11:06:00.000-07:00

I am still the Kelvin I once was.
On the surface, I may seem to change
But nothing moves the will, motivation and goals
that are hidden under shadows

Listen up, my name is Kelvin.
My title is no longer significant.
'The great' is already enshrined within
Just as 'Ceasar' is to Ceasar

I haven't felt this for some time
and so I must thank the incompetent people,
who are mildly pissing me off.
I am still nice at the moment
Nodding in agreeableness
Wait till you see my light.

-Kelvin

Dark conversations

2006-09-29T05:36:00.000-07:00

Even as a lit student, I can't comprehend your words.
It seems like there is so much about you I can't decipher and don't understand.
I know not what linger's in your mind
when you smile, I just go nuts.
Cos I am stupier than you think.
Maybe you think i am out to play
but i am not as glorious
as i portray myself to be

Dah! Whats wrong with me.

E.G.O.

2006-09-27T06:58:00.000-07:00

I need motivation and its time to play tribute to my E.G.O..

Kelvin, you ass!! You are hopelessly lazy. You are not studying as much as you should be. Don't forget the goals you have set for yourself.
In order
1. Grades for your career
2. Social Standing
3. Power

If you do nothing, you get nothing SLOB!!! Anything less than A+ is not good enough. Everyone has got equal opportunities in school. Moreover you are a bloody child prodigy. So you should be better than anyone else. You should be second to NONE. Cos you are Kelvin. Kelvin!!!!!
Its time for you to step up and steal the show. Because there is no fellow in the firmament. When Alexander was your age, he was already king of macedonia!!! When Ceasar was your age he was already senator!!!When mr Gates was your age he already drop out of school. Arg! I am no where near. I can't even beat Sim Wong Fu.

Ok, nothing's changed dude. Now...focus...focus....think of what to do to win. Then visualise trashing everyone and making them cry....then go ahead and do it. Cos you are bloody K.LOW. Kelvin the greatest.!!!! Slack is a word beyond my dictionary. Every other word in my dictionary means greatness. Yeah!!!!

*footnote...i am gonna quit GreenTea. Its a bloody addiction...

2006-09-23T10:55:00.000-07:00

*Pokes* A question
Your's random
Mine's dumb
Hart!!

When you smile
I go nuts
Ask me why?
Hart! Shut Up!!

...no more inspiration to write further. Argg!!! What am I doing. Haha.
This ain't me man...destroys the coolness of my blog...wth...

2006-09-21T01:10:00.000-07:00

I am losing focus of my goals
Losing the drive for achievement
Hanging on stories...beyond me
This is not me... ...

Hellweek

2006-09-17T09:24:00.000-07:00

Its so damn interesting I must document this. I am not 20 mins into day 3 of hell week.A breather at last.

Day 1 started on saturday morning 2am
chiong project
2-4pm tuition
After which, study and chiong project somemore, bloody biz law.

>spill over to day 2 0001 hrs
0300hr... sleep at last
0900hrs..wake up, tuition
10-1500hrs... its tough earning a living
1500hrs-1900hrs...readings, project
plus some more reading and project...dying off...

>spill over to day 3
ETS(expected time to sleep)...0300 hrs
0900hrs...LTB project meeting
1200hrs...Biz law meeting
somewhere inbetween...go to suntec settle ASOC stuff...damn
1700hrs...FA project..nnb...

and we shall see what happens next

Turmoil

2006-09-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

My entries are getting darker and darker. With each post, I find myself sinking deeper into the wounds of Zente. This beams of arrows just shoot through me and burn me like nothing. Guilt. Is serreya's touch blessed healing or a mandate to my mortal wounds. Somewhere in my hearts(intended), Zente is beginning to cry.

Light Bringer

2006-09-13T09:34:00.000-07:00

Hello, my name is K.Low. I am a champion. I am a star that shines my own light. I follow no one and do as I wish. Nothing deters me. The concept of failure does not exist in my realm. I only know of continuous learning, exposure and improvement. My only objective is to win everyone else and feel proud. Pride is my poison.

Bitching

2006-09-07T08:41:00.001-07:00

Sad...seems like I seldom have anything positive for my blog. Been a hectic week. Poof, one week just flew by and tomorrow is friday again. Let me start with the situation in my room right now...

Their voices are damn high and shrill. It's not just about being loud. Sometimes I just wonder whats wrong with these people. Why flood my room every single night. There's a living room, so whats the problem. There is a 40 inch LCD outside, why cramp into my room and watch a bloody 15" . Why sleep in my room everynight when you have got a bed of your own. Why sleep on the sofa or on the floor. Crazy or just dumb? I really wonder...can't you tell that i am f***king studying? So talking to me...and then stop talking to yourself...really. Who the hell exclaims in excitement to yourself.

And its f***king 12 o clock. I have got classes at 8. I want to sleep. And I have to chase people out of my room every night so that I can sleep quietly. WTF!!!!! Now i have to chase people off my bed!!!!!!!!!!!!! WT-flying-F!!!!!

Arg.This is irritating. I am just waiting for the day when I get a stable job. The first thing I am going to do is to rent a room and move out. Life's a bitch.

What a day

2006-08-31T10:57:00.000-07:00

As you have seen, I started off the day with the wrong foot. Fighting with the dumb mozzies at 4am. Missing the bus at 7, being kept in the rain. All seem fine even after gym when it started to rain donkeys. Afterall, resilience keeps you cool when things screw up a little.

And then I got scolded by my dad for stupid stuff. Was late and it was still raining. BY then the rain was beginning to get on my nerve already. I had an appointment with the salon at 545 and I didn't want to be late. The feeling of things not fitting in nicely as per planned was irritating. Was suppose to meet deb at 645 and my og at 7. Flying fish. I waited at the bloody salon from 545 till 7 and finished don't know how many magazines. I eventually got so pissed off with them I told the guy to give me some wax so I can style my hair which they already washed and then go off. Things continue to be bad. Yer know, when you are already in a foul mood and this kinda shit happens, it just adds up and the even the smallest things won't spare you. 3 Lifts, all full. Possible? Of all days, it had to happen today. Went back to SMU and realise my OG already left for clarke quay. I reckon that if I took a cab, the cab would probably end up in an accident so I decided to walk there. And as expected, I couldn't find the bloody place. Of all days. WHY TODAY!!!

Damn it. Even the "Do as I wish, be happy and f*** everything else mentality" didn't seem to work today. I don't wanna continue talking about the bloody bash. Good thing no one puke or spill their drink on me. That dingo is gonna supper one times jialat jialat from me.

So its 2am in the morning. 6.5 hours more to COmms class. Wonderful, there's a presentation tomorrow and we ain't prepared. Cool shit man. Lets just see if I shall wake up late tomorrow. If the MRT shall derail and my umbrealla break.

And I am damn pissed again cos my nice tan is gone already. I wanna go sentosa to chill. Mark and co are going this sunday but I got frigging tuition. WTH. And SuniG is on Sat, I have got tuition tomorrow night. Wonderful! WHat a life. Challenging indeed. And at times when ina foul mood, life seems screwed up indeed.

Showdown with mozzies

2006-08-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

Sitting in FA seminar, now. Realise that I am freaking unlucky. Gosh, my Prof talk alot of cock. Other classes are way ahead of us. I want my A!!! damn. Looks like I have to rely on myself this time. What todo, can't show attitude cos of class participation. Else, I think it will be quite fun to bang the prof. Haiz...Heard that few get A in his class.

Woke up at 4 plus this morning. The SMU myth is finally showing its true form. You begin to sleep less and less. Haha. Wanted to grab the last 2 hours of sleep before school but the bloody mosquitoes were damn irritating. Couldn't be bothered at first..Well afterall, they suck blood and get lost eventually, but MAN!!! they were too much. So i woke up,on the light and showdown high-noon with the BUGgers

And what to do, it was raining monkeys and donkeys when I reach city hall. Time to prove that my social circle is large enough...haha...umbrella to share anyone?...damn...Gan is full of rubbish....

Freshman bash tonight, guess i will only sleep for well 2 hours? Damn...there's presentation tomorrow...

2006-08-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

Beginning to get busy with school and stuff. Haha, now the City is my campus. And to those how secretly believe that being in SMU means you go to town everyday, you are so wrong. SMU is about GPA, class participation, projects, presentations, reading and constantly expanding your social circle. Its actually abit no life. But it is challenging, that's the only reason why its fun.

My bowling really sucks big time. Why is my average constantly decreasing. I am at 124 today. Gosh, SuniG is 7 days away. Damn. Will I be able to get the feel and the line on the day itself?!

Its now 1 plus, I don't wanna sleep yet. Cos when I wake up, its one tuition after another. And then there another day is gone. I want my sunday to be free!!! So that I can read stuff that I like and do stuff that I enjoy. I wanna spend a day at coffee bean chilling out. Haiz...but what to do, I need to pia tuition to support myself. Bite the bullet Kelvin, 4 more years to ago... Ka Ching!!!

2006-08-08T09:12:00.000-07:00

*Knock Knock*

Hey, whats up with me man. Been too lazy. I need motivation...... Where'smy drive?

2006-07-20T05:26:00.000-07:00

I want to fucking scream!!! WHY!!! Exposing how screwed up you are as a human being makes me feel so fucked up. Because you are my MOTHER!!! WHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYY!!!????

2006-07-20T04:33:00.000-07:00

Don't Tolerate, You will blow someday.

Unsensored and honest thoughts follows.

There is so much I want to say I don't know how to start.

1.You make me laugh everytime you say. "You will learn when you grow up." Shut the fuck up because you have no life experience to talk off. And you have got the bloody cheek to say such words. I wonder what you have learnt over the past 50 years of your life. Refer last point.The older I get, the more I see how screwed up you are as a person and as a human being. Thats bad enough. Don't make a fool of yourself.

2.Parents teach their child to be considerate towards others. Time and again, I find myself having to TEACH you what consideration is. Its fucking 3am in the morning. Stop screaming and shouting over small nothings and wake the whole fucking neighbourhood.

And, the fact that you ain't sleeping at 2am in the morning doesn't mean everyone else is awake. You should fucking attend primary school civics and moral education

3.You are such a perfect example for character moulding. From you, I really learn alot. About WHAT NOT TO BE!!!

4.I have only heard of parents teaching their child to be sharing and caring. Since 5 years old, you have been telling me not to share because what's mine is mine. Now I realise how fucking selfish you are as a person. And being incosiderate makes you a selfish person as well.

6.If you have got no fucking upbringing because your grew up in an incomplete family, no one will blame you. But that is no excuse for you having no values at all. So quit complaining about your family background. Some people are poor, but they are good people. Some people are rich, and they grow up to be rich fuckers. So whether you are poor or rich has got no relevance to what kind of person you are. The bottomline...

7. Stop being a fucking loser and bitch about everything. If you find that everyone is cold towards you, I think its time you do some reflection of self. Start by asking what you have done for yourself, before you go on to complain about the lack of opportunity given by others.

8.You are fucking 50 years old and in anothe 20 or 30 years you are going grow old and die. Its time you wake up your fucking idea and make use of these remaining years and start being a proper person with proper values.

9.You say"if you have character, you will have no friends" You make me laugh my ass off when you said that. Look at yourself!! You are so screwed up as a person you have no friends. I ain't even starting to talk about your siblings. Look how fuck up your relationship with everyone is.

10. And fuck you.Don't insult my grandmother. If you have got no fucking respect for your parents, thats your problem. If thats how you want me to treat you when you grow old, SOrry. TOO BAD. I won't treat you the way you fucking treat your parents and your elders. COS I AM NOT LIKE YOU. refer point 3. Unlike you, I won't bear a grudge my parents. I will only feel sad for you. Let me tell the world what you just said about my grandma "You think your grandma has got character? you only think so because she is your elder" Eh...don't make me laugh at you yet again. It just shows how incapable of thinking you are.It doesn't matter whether you are deaD, alive, young or old. If you are a proper person, you ARE a proper person. If YOU are fucked up. You are fucked up. Period.

11. I am in the position to say such things about you because I am educated. And unlike you, I have got proper upbringing. I know it ain't your fault. But thats just the way the world goes round. All i am trying to do is to expose you to your flaws so that hopefully you can be a better person. And don't come and tell me that I am only 20 and you are 50. Your experiences ain't relevant. Yet again, thats the har realities of life. Accept it, and move on.

12. You always say you want to take care of your grandchildrens in the future. Oh please. Thanks but no thanks. You are a negative influence. I am sorry I have to say this, no hard feelings. Thats just the truth.

13. Stop being impatient. And stop saying that I am impatient with you. Before you reach out to others for help, can you at least try to help yourself? No one is going to be there for you forever. Thats something you should be saying to me and teaching me. Why is this happening the other way round.

14.You should just learn to have an open mind and stop being obstinate. If things don't go your way, too bad. Don't throw tantrums. It won't help. It only makes you look like a little girl. And for fucking sake, if I am stubborn in nature, you gotta ask yourself why. And at the very least, I know I am stubborn. I know my flaws and I am willing to do something for myself by changing. What about you? DO you need someone to slap you in order for you to wake up?

15. And probably no one has the capacity to do that. Because you are such a spoilt child. Look at the way you scream and shout and throw tantrums at your own parents, aunties and sisters just to get what you want. Again, why is there a reversal of role here!!??

16.If I go on trying to expose your shortcomings, its going to be a waste of time. There is so much to it the list goes on forever. Most importantly, saying it here or saying it to you directly is of no fucking use. You never listen.

Lastly, you never ever listen. Thats why you never ever learn. It time you learn to accept your short comings and change. "Why should I change the way I am" is a statement fit for fucking losers. No one is asking you to be someone else. Just be a proper person that is worthy of respect and love. Be yourself. Only Better.

The next time you want to bitch about why your children treat you and dad differently. Shut up. Because its plain obvious.You gave birth to us, but do you qualify for the words 养育。

My last try: Take responsibility for your own life. Don't always rely on others. You ain't a kid anymore. You are fucking 50 years old. So stop being childish, stop throwing tantrums. Shut up when its time to, listen with an open mind, accept your flaws and CHANGE for your OWN fucking sake. If you want to remain the way you are, go ahead. Afterall, its your life. If you don't want to take responsibility for yourself, thats your problem. Just don't be a bad influence. Else, GET OUT OF MY LIFE.

Like it or not, everyone got to die someday. As a matter of fact, you ain't got much longer to live. If you want to die a screwed up sould, Ihave nothing to say. When that day comes, I will cry till my tears run dry. Because as your son, I have failed to instill the proper values in you and make you a proper person. Let me tell you this. Once, I hated you. And then I despised you. Now, I simply feel sorry for you because you are so fucked up and unwilling to learn and accept you flaws. I have given up all hopes on you.

2006-07-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

Can't believe that I Kelvin the Fallen Greatness is feeling inferior. Haiz. Since when have decadence caught up with me?

-Interruption from my mother. My ill temper showed again. Evidence that my world is indeed deprived of love. That makes me incomplete. Damn. An early morning dream made me realise this crude fact. I realise I don't have to give in to her for everything. Sometimes, filial piety doesn't apply. I am becoming more and more convinced with the individualist concept. In which families don't exist. Or is this just the result of being incomplete. Lastly, she is always talking of "when i grow up i will change and blah blah". Fucking hell. I think it's time she grows up. Now i am totally convinced that nothing I learnt came from her.Talk about character moulding, I probably learnt from her negative examples. Argg!!! Her character sucks so badly I feel embarassed at times. I feel trapped. Is this the stand alone complex? What does this reflect about my character? That I suck equally. Darn, I believe its true that kids these days talk back and challenge more established concepts because of education. The previous generation can only go so far. Afterall, darwinism applies not just to biological science. The bottomline, I seriously hate it when she boss around as big "mom". You want something you go get it yourself. Don't expect me to compromise on anything based solely on the reason that you are my parents. She has no right to tell me whats right and wrong. Waoh strong statement here eh. Of course, someone who is unable to reason and take responsibility for her own life and actions have no right to infringe upon my life. No matter who the person is. Manage yourself before you try to manage your child. Another irony here, as I sense how this invokes me as well.

Who said that one must have love to be a complete person. I shall challenge that notion. Correct,love might be the strongest tool of human consciousness. Without it, I can still survive achieve great things.

All this shit just makes me feel more and more inferior. Damn, why am I falling into such a pitfall. I just got out of that period of fragileness and uncertainty a few months ago. I don't want to cross back to those dark days. No.

Be yourself, only better. If it pricks me, its going to be crushed.