The Fallen angel speaks
Maybe I should thank someone for making me wake up to reality. It made stop and look back at my life. There is so much up my head now I don't know how to put them across in words. All that is left, ha, fragments of thoughts from my day. If you have realised, worthlessness has struck me.
Basically, I think I am a joke. My life is a joke and I am a pathetic screwed up piece of shit. Yeah, I know there are people who look up to me. Thats only because they don't know of all the incorigible things that I have done. I remember the dark ages of my life when I was in Sec 3 and Sec4. I remember telling myself one night that I should just leave my past behind and live on. Ever since then, I had tried to redeem myself. My past continued to haunt me but in all wisdom, I ignored it. For some time, I thought I was doing fine. My JC days felt glorious. I honestly felt great during those 2 years. I was motivated and strong. I thought I have learnt, yes the hard way. Now, standing here at this present moment, I realise how blind I am. How blind I am to my own decadence. My JC days were beautiful but it was a sweet poison, building up to soemthing so destructive I am only beginning to sense it. My NS days were screwed up. Well actually, to be more accurate, I was screwed up. Repeating the same mistake I was trying to unmake. Disgusting. It makes me feel sick. Throughout the past 2 years, what I have been doing is so sick it overshadows what I did when I was in sec3. Gosh. You know what? I can't even bring myself to laugh out loud at how useless I am. I feel so pathetic all I can manage is a simple smile of hopelessness.
You fool. You never learn. You just never learn. Do you? Repeating those same stupid mistakes, doing the same stupid things. Gosh Kelvin, you screwed up your life single handedly. And you call yourself KTG all this while. You are a joke. And now you are here willowing in self pity. You are hopeless. I know...soon you will pick yourself up with some new found pride. But so what? You never learn. You just keep on going down. Down.Down. Time and again this has happened. The result? You just end up deeper and lower. You are hopeless.
But I tried to redeem myself didn't I? I saw clearly my mistakes. Thats why I tried to mend my ways and redeem myself ever since. True, maybe I didn't learn fast, didn't learn much. But at least I tried. I am afterall only human. Humans make mistake. If you didn't learn the first time round. Learn it the second time. If you err again, try again. Your guilt is all the punishment you deserve. And you deserve to be given a chance everytime it happens. You have done well haven't you? Your strength lies in your mentality. Yes your will. Because you never give up. You know it does not help. Thats why you stand up to it and try again. SO what if you should fall once more. Are you gonna weep over your own helplessness and die away? Let matters that have past rest and move on, knowing that you now have to try even harder to redeem yourself. Infact, I think you have already redeemed yourself partially. You know you have inspired others. You know that. Why look at the ugly past then. Why stoop so low, so low now. Are you gonna spend the remaining days feeling sorry about what you have cause, feeling sorry for yourself. Feeling sorry for having screwed up your life? No? Then what are you gonna do? The only one saying you are hopeless and that you are bound to do stupid things again is yourself. The difference between screwed up people and ultimate screwed ups is that the ultimate screwed ups remain screwed up and don't even try to improve the way thigns are. I don't think anyone other than yourself has lost faith in you. Ten years down, you will just look back at the way you are now and say "thats growing up".
Yes, maybe you really owe her alot. And I agree without question that you really owe her alot. Maybe you should try paying back instead of sulking away. Dude wake up. Fallen angel or now, you got to do what you got to do.
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