< Zentenism
Sunday, April 30, 2006

Hmmm..
I wonder why some people, even my closer friends thing that when i express any form of enjoyment in life, any expression of happiness or whatsoever is a lie. Why is it that there is an increasing host of people who think that I have lost this lost or that. The funniest of all - I have lost my vitality. I think its just a matter of presumption. So any aspect of me that contradicts their presumption is at best a lie, at worse an act. Am I a miser? Must I be oh so sad and broken just so to fit the plot? Cos logically I should? The thing is, you can;t change what people thing. They will always justify evidence against you. So be it.
Anyway. NB. Yuhua Sec owes me 260 bucks worth of my salary. Been so long liao. Think they screwed up the admin. I should call up the school on tuesday. And yeah, I finally get to rest. Hahaha. But again, I haven't touched TA for 2 weeks.Well 2 wks without practice I mean. To be more accurate, I haven't touched my TA book for at least a month. Sheez. Think I slack too much with reference to studying liao.
Hmm...Monday tomorrow man. I should go study. Yeah.

- posted by zente at 10:54 AM

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Looking back
Just took a shower after reaching home so I can't get to sleep yet. I settled down and started browsing through my past entries and my previous blogs. Didn't have much time to rest in the past few days and although today was set aside for resting, I was pia-ing too. Well until I went to town... Anyway I extracted some parts of my old blog which I think are worthy of note.

I set these new years resolution some time back. Lets review it now
1. Forget the fact that I am turning 20 and believe that I am still 18.
Hmm...today, someone said I am sec 4. Haha. Thats good.
2.Begin learning my 4th language. Arabic was my third though I didn't excel in it.
I decided against it. So well...
3.Achieve a respectable social standing in my new school.
Lets see how it goes
4.Visit Tibet
I have decided its not worth my time for now
5.Double my net worth.
I think I am actually on my way there. Should be able to do it by september. yeah. I am proud of myself. Why do you think I pia so hard for thom.
6.Be happy.
Haha. Up to now. Yeah. Life taste good.
7. Bring happiness to the one angel in my life.
Tony Blair: Bollocks.
I don't even know if I should stamp it with invalid, void or failed.

On Jan 7 I wrote The entry KTG:
You know what KTG means? KTG means you know what you want and you set forth to conquere. Nothing is unattainable so long as you have the determination to achieve. When have I failed?

...hmm it does tie in with my resolutions. I believe I am quite unskilled and useless in many aspects. But I know I have 2 things for sure. 1. I am versatile and when its time to play it, I play it nasty. Haha. 2. When I fall I just stand up again. It keeps happening, I keep standing up. Deep inside I know I will never fall

So now I write what KTF means. KTF Means I am still myself. Just that I no longer see that I am great at all. Fallen because something changed me. Remember lucifer only stands out because he fell. Else he would just be another servant of the host.Actually I think being great really means doing the best you can in any situation. It cannot be measured by any scale and cannot be judge. Greatness is a state of mind.

And in response to the statement that egonomaniacs don't make it to the top? I think its quite a flawed statement. Egonomaniacs are so full of themselves they do everything to make sure they are right, that they make it big and they therefore make themselves the champions of their lives.

- posted by zente at 10:12 AM

Monday, April 24, 2006

Lagging
In the blink of an eye, 20 years of life has flashed by for me. I am turning 21 soon and i wonder, what have I got. Some friends, some penny in my pocket, a place in Uni...thats about it. I remember those days when I was ambitious and motivated. I always said what I will be. "When I become rich and powerful"I remember those words. And looking at myself now, I must say I am far off. I am well below par. When Alexander was 20, he was already King of macedonia. When bill gates was 20, he already found microsoft and was working on MS-DOS. Even my father..when he was 20, he already made his first million. Where do I stand? I need a breakthrough. Its not like I have been sitting and waiting for an opportunity to come by. I have been searching intensely for an opportunity to unleash my potential.But it seems rather bleak. The point here is a good breakthrough. Simply saying lets do business and registering a company is not. Its a common pitfall that have got many collge students by their balls. Uninformed and ambitious ignorance leading no where. I am better than that. But where is my break.I am far off from what I should be by now.

- posted by zente at 3:33 AM

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Cont
Yet someone saw only what i wrote. Thinking that an end was what i wanted. Missing out the entire point of me negating my own suggesting. And true enough i can only blame myself for not explaining when the time came. Instead i went along with a solution i raised but i didn't want.if you don't believe, please check with mr nick pang . I thought i didn't have the wil to get over. Yet i was trying and i was acting like i already did. Maybe i didn't act well. Anyway i have no intention of back tracking cos it will result in another deja vu. My regret, i was not able to be a good friend when i was. I owe you for that. I take blame for my nonchalence when its time to make things clear. I think its too complicated for any good to come out of this friendship anymore. The status quo is better left untouched.there is already no going back. And for that i know i am not that great after all. Hai. Its stupid to dwell over this kind of things and its not like me at all. I already made myself look stupid alot of times.

- posted by zente at 8:19 PM


Thats it

Sometime back, when i was lost and stuck in a dilemma i wrote what i was thinking in this space here. Spelt out every train of thought in my mind hoping to find some answers. I postulated a solution which i too condemned in my blog. Even without wong's advice i knew it wasn't the best of solutions. And the worst that i can expected came true.
Someone bought the idea while missing out the entire point. Someone thought that i wanted to end a friendship i was desperately trying to recover. Maybe not everyone is able to see beyond the mind. I guess many people have the opinion that what one thinks , one agrees. Never mind that. What really made me feel ' oh my. So thats why' is this. It seems even a free expression of mind is sometimes hardly enough to put across what one feels. So maybe i should be more direct:
Yes! I thought of that as a solution. And all along i knew that was a shallow one. All this while i have been trying to achieve a promise i made. I was trying hard to purely be someone's friend.
Yet someone saw only what i wrote. Thinking that an end was what i wanted. Missing out the entire point of me negating my own suggesting. And true enough i can only blame myself for not explaining when the time came. Instead i went along with a solution i raised but i didn't want.If you don't believe, please check with mr nick pang . I thought i didn't have the will to get over. Yet i was trying and i was acting like i already did. Maybe i didn't act well.

"he keeps thinking there is an existing pact, and that was the pact that he first made right from the start"
who was the one who said. Lets stick to the original plan 11 of August. Not me.

"earlier this month, i said hi agn.and apparently it wasnt so welcomed"
How? In what way was I unfriendly? Well if I was in anyway nonchalent, it was to convince someone about the idea of purely friends now. And it was shot back at me.

"oh well, i made the first step, but he seems rather unhappy about it.."
doesn't that speak mountain.

Now why am i not arguing when such things are striking me. Maybe its just pure guilt. Or I simply don't have the heart to argue over the issue. Sometimes I really wonder what girls are thinking. Think so much. Worse off, they infer the wrong stuff.There is no back tracking now, it will result in another deja vu. My regret, i was not able to be a good friend when i was. I owe someone alot for that. I take blame for my nonchalence when its time to make things clear. I think its too complicated for any good to come out of this friendship anymore. The status quo is better left untouched.There is already no going back. And for that i know i am not that great after all. Hai. Its stupid to dwell over this kind of things and its not like me at all. I already made myself look stupid alot of times.
To end of this blog, I state: "Freedom of expression" Don't take everything at surface value. If you don't like it, its not the bloggers problem.

- posted by zente at 8:19 PM

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The thing about funeral is that, no matter how detached you feel it always sets you thinking. Why? Because death is part of the book of destiny everyone will face when the time comes. When my grandfather passed on 2 years back, it was sad. I felt sad because we were close. When my father and my uncles wept, I knew they wept out of grief and a sense of loss. Now my maternal grandfather has passed away. I saw my mother and her sisters cry. I can't help but arrive at the conclusion that the seed driving them to their tears is of a different nature. Certain things have shaped that thought and it is very much due to the nature of conflicts within the family.
Unlike my father's side, my mom's family has been plagued by many problems, not different from the problems faced in my immediate family. I will be dwelling onto history if I go on talkign about this. Anyway, he who just passed on has once said that he do not want to see his daughters at his funeral. Thats one. On top of that, there has been numerous occasion in which they claim intentions to break off all relations. Sisters disowning each other, father and mother and daughters disowning each other. All sorts. Yes its ugly but you can't deny the existence of such occasions no matter how ugly they may be seen here. And now? Now they more than weep. They cry. Was it because they suddenly felt they have not fulfilled their duty as childrens? You can say all you want when the person is standing there right infront of you. But when lady death finally catches up with that someone at the crossroads of mortality, on then will you see what you are really made of.
I then start to think of all the times i wish i can seduce someone to suicide. And now I wonder, will I be crying like a helpless and pathetic child when the day comes? Its pathetic. Will what I have done and what I have said and what I have willed myself to lead me to such a state when that day comes? When i then live in regret.
It comes down to two things. You either say it, mean it and don't shed a single drop of tears when it comes. Or. You just shut up and start being filial. And filial is just one aspect of it. At a higher level, its all about reaping what you sow. He wasn't the best of man. maybe even less than that. So the way his daughters treated her can be justified. To an extent its fair. And fairness is all that matters here when you start to consider whether you have done your part as a child. And fairness is a matter of perspective isn't it? Its up to you to judge. And thats why you eventually decide whether you have done your part and that determines the eventual guilt. If what you have done is justified, there should be no guilt eventually. And all this? When you differentiate it all the way down, I see only two determining factors. Pride in what you have done and the fairness that goes with it. And your will. Don't say one thing now and cry "Forget all I have said" eventually.

- posted by zente at 8:40 AM

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Poetic Irony.
Thats something wrong with the weather these days. If you have been reading the papers, meteorologist say that precipitation this month is 4 times the average for april. The hot afternoons of summer contributes much to the heavy convectional rain. I heard Bedok flooded twice.
I make it a point to have lunch at this hawker center everyday. Its a five minutes walk. Even on days when its raining, I will visit that place without fail. The food there rocks. On thursday I was walking through the rain to satisfy my desire for the Ba Cou Mee. And as I was walking, I felt a little pissed with the weather. It just keeps raining. As if my guilt ain't strong enough, the skies just have to keep puncturing me with those heavy downpours and wispy drizzles. Poetic irony, if you get what I mean.
Seriously speaking, it does feels like I have been relieved of a load. Just that now, I owe someone alot. I don't quite like oweing anyone but, when you do, you gotta return. There is no two ways about it. Haha. Angels and fallens. Friends and strangers. Pain and happiness. Rising and falling. Pride and emotions. This world is full of ironies. What can we mortals do? For one, I don't pray.

- posted by zente at 10:58 AM

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The Fallen angel speaks
Maybe I should thank someone for making me wake up to reality. It made stop and look back at my life. There is so much up my head now I don't know how to put them across in words. All that is left, ha, fragments of thoughts from my day. If you have realised, worthlessness has struck me.
Basically, I think I am a joke. My life is a joke and I am a pathetic screwed up piece of shit. Yeah, I know there are people who look up to me. Thats only because they don't know of all the incorigible things that I have done. I remember the dark ages of my life when I was in Sec 3 and Sec4. I remember telling myself one night that I should just leave my past behind and live on. Ever since then, I had tried to redeem myself. My past continued to haunt me but in all wisdom, I ignored it. For some time, I thought I was doing fine. My JC days felt glorious. I honestly felt great during those 2 years. I was motivated and strong. I thought I have learnt, yes the hard way. Now, standing here at this present moment, I realise how blind I am. How blind I am to my own decadence. My JC days were beautiful but it was a sweet poison, building up to soemthing so destructive I am only beginning to sense it. My NS days were screwed up. Well actually, to be more accurate, I was screwed up. Repeating the same mistake I was trying to unmake. Disgusting. It makes me feel sick. Throughout the past 2 years, what I have been doing is so sick it overshadows what I did when I was in sec3. Gosh. You know what? I can't even bring myself to laugh out loud at how useless I am. I feel so pathetic all I can manage is a simple smile of hopelessness.

You fool. You never learn. You just never learn. Do you? Repeating those same stupid mistakes, doing the same stupid things. Gosh Kelvin, you screwed up your life single handedly. And you call yourself KTG all this while. You are a joke. And now you are here willowing in self pity. You are hopeless. I know...soon you will pick yourself up with some new found pride. But so what? You never learn. You just keep on going down. Down.Down. Time and again this has happened. The result? You just end up deeper and lower. You are hopeless.

But I tried to redeem myself didn't I? I saw clearly my mistakes. Thats why I tried to mend my ways and redeem myself ever since. True, maybe I didn't learn fast, didn't learn much. But at least I tried. I am afterall only human. Humans make mistake. If you didn't learn the first time round. Learn it the second time. If you err again, try again. Your guilt is all the punishment you deserve. And you deserve to be given a chance everytime it happens. You have done well haven't you? Your strength lies in your mentality. Yes your will. Because you never give up. You know it does not help. Thats why you stand up to it and try again. SO what if you should fall once more. Are you gonna weep over your own helplessness and die away? Let matters that have past rest and move on, knowing that you now have to try even harder to redeem yourself. Infact, I think you have already redeemed yourself partially. You know you have inspired others. You know that. Why look at the ugly past then. Why stoop so low, so low now. Are you gonna spend the remaining days feeling sorry about what you have cause, feeling sorry for yourself. Feeling sorry for having screwed up your life? No? Then what are you gonna do? The only one saying you are hopeless and that you are bound to do stupid things again is yourself. The difference between screwed up people and ultimate screwed ups is that the ultimate screwed ups remain screwed up and don't even try to improve the way thigns are. I don't think anyone other than yourself has lost faith in you. Ten years down, you will just look back at the way you are now and say "thats growing up".

Yes, maybe you really owe her alot. And I agree without question that you really owe her alot. Maybe you should try paying back instead of sulking away. Dude wake up. Fallen angel or now, you got to do what you got to do.

- posted by zente at 4:19 AM

Monday, April 10, 2006

A Mockery of Sins
Let me begin with a story. Once upon a time somewhere in this mortal plane, a man walked along the beach of Eternity. He has been walking for a lifetime. Everyday he look towards the horizon and wonder how vast the ocean is. He had long forgotten where the beach began and he never questioned when it will end. Along his journey, he had made friends and met many people. They call him KTG and made him the Prince of Contrivance and Manipulation. No one knows where he comes from, not even himself. Some say that he is the Incarnation of will. Others say he is the Son of the MorningStar. To fulfill his sense of self, he bought them all and called himself Zente.
Now you remember the story of Zente. You remember how he fell in the Second Act of his chronicles. He was born with the power of free will, able to choose which path to follow. Thats when he started to walk along the beach. One day, an angel Serreya came to him. She had wings but he did not. So he asked why. The answer "Thats because I am your angel". So Zente learnt that it was up to him to choose, because he is the angel of free will. Soon, he had wings too and he understood why. He was Serreya's angel.
In a tragic twist of fate, something happened within Zente's heart. Such beautiful time was not to be. He questioned "Since I am the Angel of free will, why am I bound by destiny?" Unmoved by the notion that fate dictates the way things are, he defied every order that could possibly exist. "I am the representation of Will, I alone determine my future" he said, his eyes full of pride. As the day past by, he slowly learnt that certain matters are really beyong the boundaries of his power. Serreya had to go. He had to let her go so he could continue on his journey. He was unwilling. Yet it was to be. How?You ask. Its just fate.
He felt a sense of loss. But that was only temporary. What poisoned him, was the knowledge that he couldn't accompany Serreya even as a friend. He had wished for an ideal path. Yet, the only path was the beach. Because he has to carry on the journey. No, he wasn't without choice. He already made the choice when he began on the journey. Now he undestands that those beautiful times are but a chapter. There is more ahead. Still, worthiness crippled him. He felt worthless because he couldn't even fulfill a simple task. Time has come for him to realise that his will is fragile and its power limited.He was a mockery of Will. An insult to pride. Pride and Will weaved him an unworthy knot.
An so he fell. Now you remember the poem. About the child who stole his father's book. The child who ran off thinking that with the power of Will, he could do anything. He did not understand that Destiny saw the Lightbringer even as he fell. And when the Lightbringer fell, he fell undefeated. What mockery! For when Zente the incarnation of Will fell, he fell an unworthy soul, felling sorry and pathetic.
Now eternity has come full circle and the child finally understands why there was no head and tail to the beach. Because it comes full circle. Like the poem he wrote, he had fell. Worthiness his Sin.
So you ask what he is now. He is The Fallen. King of Contrivance and Manipulation? Bullsh-. Maybe he had inspired others. But that was when he was Great. Or at least when he felt he was Great. Now he finds himself useless. He couldn't even fulfill the most basic of friendship because he lacked the Will to. He could have, but his Will failed him. He mocks himself. What a joker he says. Claiming to be all high and mighty, yet helpless. He is disappointed with himself and knows he deserve no symphathy. He knows other's are disappointed in him too. Afterall, he is really only human.

- posted by zente at 6:59 AM

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Finally
Its not a pact. Its not a solution. It is nothing. Its just that we both walk out of each other's circle knowing that we have done what we can do, that we have left beautiful memories and that we treasure and we were treasured. Maybe unwilling, but of cos, unwillingly. All good things must come to an end. If it can't be a beautiful ending, then let it be quiet and peaceful.

- posted by zente at 8:10 AM

Friday, April 07, 2006

Will
I had an argument with myself on the way home today.A sticky issue which has persisted for a long time. Rather, I should say that its fate that is sticky. Yeah, sticky fate. What do you do when you want to speak up. Yet its dumb to raise the issue because u know you shouldn't even bring it up. What do you do? You blog. So later on, you can deny it all.

It bothers me because i want to get over it. Because from bittersweet feelings, it has become a pain in the neck. More irritating than it is painful. Feelings exist within the subconscion. A secret part of the mind no one can touch. You can't control them, you can't turn them on or off as you wish. It comes when you least expect it and it stays there. For how long it lingers, you can't decide. You can't remove it. Thats the way it is whether you like it or not.Some brief history:

Jan05
It all starts. Well, partially my fault. Matters turn sour until
Sep05
Attempt to escape it all fails. Well thats just fate. For while, it remains untouched and beautiful. Someone comes up with an idea, to hopefully let time cool the matter. Bullsh-
Dec 05
It felt like things worked out. The only reason is that you have been ignoring the issue. But someone else is hurting so you have no choice. Fate again. And of course, I ain't a bastard. You sit through the wee hours talking it out. For a moment, everything was spelt out clearly and it felt like it is finally over. Dream on. Desire has got you hooked by the heart.
Jan06
Another attempt to make things clear. This time round, another suggestion is proposed. You go with it. Thats friendship and respect. You realise you need the time too. So you agree.
March06
You finally got to see things clearly. Know what you want and realise how it has screwed you up for the past one year. You are jaded and infact you are happy you finally found the only way out: To let it go totally. This time round there is no temptation because you are tired. You have had enough. Thats why you don't feel like talking about it anymore.
Apr06
She have had her time alone and now she comes back to you. If you have let things go, then there shouldn't be a problem. You should see things in pure friendship and you are happy you have almost achieved it.Almost...So you try your best. And its tiring. This really pisses you off.

Thats why you wanna blow. You want to speak the truth. That you can't stand it anymore, you can't be bothered and you don't wish to talk about it. Thats the contradiction. You have already raised the issue. There is no outstanding rule which states you cannot talk about it. There is no existing agreement that neither of you will discuss this again. Yet at the same time, you both know that everytime you try to solve the issue, you raise the topic or the mere mention of it breaks the peace. Left untouched, everything seems beautiful, like nothing ever happened. Thats a big lie. Touch it? It is always at the expense of someone's happiness.

To describe it all, there is only three words : "What the fu**"

So someone has to play the bastard? And tell the other one to f*** off from his/her life. Don't say its crude. Because everytime its beautiful, everytime you are talking like nothing happened before, you are lying to yourself. And its so fake. At least I feel its so fake I feel sick. But there is a catch, whoever is eventually gonna play the bastard have to be really strong. Because there is no turning back. You can't just say "I am sorry I had no choice". Thats crap. I don't even know whether I am up to it.

You know she won't do it. Even if she does, the chance that she is secretly hurting will break you. Will you do it then? You know your will ain't strong enough. You just don't have the capacity to do it. You are afraid you will break her. You are incapable of shaking it off and just be friends. Like I said, it ain't up to you. You are seriously tired and pissed with the issue because it keeps getting back to you no matter how hard you both try. Now. Do you really have to say "Get out my life" No? Its easy to say "Can we just drop this and stop dwelling on it?" Who doesn't? I wish I could just f*** the entire matter and forget it all. I am sure you can do it. Now what? You reach another state of despair when you realise there is still no way out. The power of your will ain't that strong. Afterall, you are not lucifer.

- posted by zente at 7:05 AM

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Zentenism
Zentenism: Contemporary religion founded by Zente. The self proclaimed Son of Lucifer.The Holy messiahs Zen and Zon represents human emotions and intelligence respectively. Zente being the advent born out of imagination by Zon/Zen.
The belief
Disclaimer: Content is purely imformative and the ideas involved may run contrary to major religions. No blasphemy or insults intended. Subject to reader's opinion.

Zentenism overrides all religion. It is the belief that religion is a matter of faith and that religious power is confined within the minds of the believer. It maintains that there is no one true God that exist in absolute terms. God only exist in the mind of individuals. According to the teachings of Zentenism, every human has the right to his own beliefs and no one has the right to impose his beliefs on anyone else. It denys the common existence of Soul, God(in absolute context), Creation and Creator. Instead, God only exist when one believes in a specific God or Religion. Like in Atheism there is no supreme being. So to say, Man creates God in his own image within his mind based on his beliefs. Because of this, Zentenism denies the overruling value and power of the Koran, Bible and Buddisht Scripture. It states that "God, and religion is all in the mind, never beyond it". The christian God still exist, but it only exist in the mind of that one christian. In the minds of believers of differnt denominations, God is different. The same applies for other major religions. It claims that God is not omni-potent, but rather multi-existent in individual perspective. In other words, unlike other religions, Zentenism is not exclusive. An individual can be a Zentenist-Christian or a Zentenist-Buddist for example. The only differece is that the context of a supreme being and a creator no longer exist. This explains why the founder Zente proclaimed himself to be the Son of Lucifer. He saw it all in terms of fiction. On top of that, in Zentenism what he believes in becomes true.
History: According to records, Zen and Zon were twin brothers. Their origin unknown. Both orphaned at the age of six, rumour has it that they were responsible for the death of their parents. Some stories suggested that in a game of wit between the two children,Zen lost and the stake was the killing of both parent.How true this is remains unknown till date.They then lived off inheritance.While Zen later became a religious teacher in a church, Zon exhibited extraordinary talent with his linguistic skills and intelligence. He held a PhD in human psychology together with Masters in MetaPhysics, Mathematics and Religion. At the age of 22, the brothers disappeared. The name Zon was never heard again.Zen eventually turned up at a research insitute, spending 3 years with "idiot savants" as a volunteer. Some suggest that Zon took over his brother's name, after he mercilessly paralyzed Zen and sent him into a state of Coma. Age 30, Zen/Zon set up the "Club of Kings" which was soon branded as a cult. Although the club managed to draw in a large number of followers, it never became an orthodox religion. Till date, Zentenism remains largely unknown.

Source: http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Zentenism

- posted by zente at 7:14 AM

Monday, April 03, 2006

Dilemma
A simple case of for or against encompasses much that the eye cannot see. Kelvin ponders over a decision. A topic which he wish not to speak of. Yet, it cannot be resolved without words. Or will the sands of time erode the issue? Kelvin does not know. And so he seeks Zente.

Now, even Zente is stuck. The power of will is nothing when it is unguided by a fixed path of direction. Kelvin has always set the direction, while Zente's will light up the path. This time round, Kelvin is lost and Zente cannot help. But there is one thing they both know clearly: There is an existing promise. So they are both stuck now, trapped by the willows of sleepy woods. A dilemma. For we all know, the devil never goes back on his words.

Should months of efforts go to waste? The situation is as delicate as a film on water hanging off a knife's edge. The mere mention of the issue wil burst the bubble. So...what now?

- posted by zente at 8:18 AM

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Scheduled Downtime
I am wasting my life away, doing things for the sake of killing time. Whats wrong with me. Is this just a period of downtime that will soon come to pass? Maybe thats the case, my life has been quite exciting not too long ago so maybe I should just accept things as it is. Afterall, what goes up will come down whether you like it or not.
Looking at it analytically, I have no motivation. Because there is nothing to look forward to; nothing to aim for; nothing to fight for. Coming to terms with the crude realities of life, I think I am a loner with no life at least at the moment. The simple fact that I am constantly seeking company proves that left alone, I am bored and have nothing to do. All this thoughts of individualism that I maintain? Abhoring the idea of social structures. They contradict me totally. I know I am afraid of being lonely and at timeswhen I feel so, I just feel screwed. Haiz. This is just downtime. "Bah!"

- posted by zente at 6:41 AM


Scheduled Downtime

I am wasting my life away, doing things for the sake of killing time. Whats wrong with me. Is this just a period of downtime that will soon come to pass? Maybe thats the case, my life has been quite exciting not too long ago so maybe I should just accept things as it is. Afterall, what goes up will come down whether you like it or not.
Looking at it analytically, I have no motivation. Because there is nothing to look forward to; nothing to aim for; nothing to fight for. Coming to terms with the crude realities of life, I think I am a loner with no life at least at the moment. The simple fact that I am constantly seeking company proves that left alone, I am bored and have nothing to do. All this thoughts of individualism that I maintain? Abhoring the idea of social structures. They contradict me totally. I know I am afraid of being lonely and at timeswhen I feel so, I just feel screwed. Haiz. This is just downtime. "Bah!"

- posted by zente at 6:41 AM


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