Hmm..Am i too confident for my own good?
Anyway, walking my hamster in my room is damn fun..until my mom finds out about it. Bet she will scream. Haha. Not like I care. Anyway, I think its time I step up! step up! and step up! Each for a different aspect......trying hard to be nice...but it ain't that easy.
Black collar worker? Why worker? I shall coin the new term "Black Collar Leader"
BCL: The new alpha male.
Hope I have found my way into the organizing commitee for Waikiki 07. Good news. Haha and today, I think my bowling improved. Tweaked some techniques here and there. Seem like I am on track for achieving my goals. Yeah!!
Again!!Damn it.But what can I do?Fine...I got better things to do too.
I feel good today. Yeah, my morning started off wonderful. Though my dad threw my toothbrush away...was really excited about wearing my new cufflink shirt. Drove to school, and felt like I was a young CEO, poised for success. Imagine that feeling. If only I was driving my own BMW and not my dad's car.
Realised that I forgot to bring my cue cards for COMMS presentation and I didn't really get to do a round of rehearsal too. But, HA! who cares. It just came flowing during the presentation. Apparently, I heard that the TA was impressed and even put up a line of praise on his msn private message. I hope Dr. John was impressed too. I believe she is. During my presentaion, I felt that I really did engage the class and caught their attention. Yeah. Makes me up my confidence..not my ego.
Then there was the LTB quiz which I stupidly forgot to look at my score. Anyway, dinner at cartel was so so. Watched MirrorMask with Joseph while waiting for Deb. Has supper too.
At this juncture, I must really say that I am not very satisfied with my morals. I feel my morals and reasons at conflict with each other. Damn.
Ha, feeding my hamsters is something damn fun. What more when my mum starts to scream!!Muahahah. Little Rats, keep trying to run out.
I feel I have found my drive. With that, I suddenly feel that I am not doing enough, feel as if I am short changing myself, not putting in enough effort to attain my goals. I need to work harder. Step one is to stop whinning and to do what I got to do.
Did goal setting a few days back. At least now I feel I have something to work towards. All the egoistics statements lose meaning almost suddenly. Thats where my drive went missing. I believe I can do it. Well thats a statement of confidence. Of cos I can, is a statement of Ego. I see the difference now.
Anyway, Deb emo recently. Maybe I am overreacting but I somehow find myself responsible. Is that strong or weak self-concept? But I am quite unhappy with the fact that while I am quite an open book, deb never ever speak the mind. Part of the game?
Looking forward to monday...haiz...need to wait....again!!!!
but before monday, there is friday to look forward to!!! I wanna wear my new shirt for my Comms presentation. Yeah!!!
Went for Yanzhi's party with Janice today. It turned out to be quite fun really. Finding the way there was quite fun. We met with some difficulties trying to get to acid bar too. Gosh!! I emptied half the tank.
Janice was great company. And she taught me quite alot today too. Learnt a great deal of stuff and also made some self discoveries. For one, she confirmed something I was slowly beginning to believe. I always hide behind my ego. Without it, I am stranded. For a simple reason. I lack true confidence; and to a certain extent, pride. I must work on that!!!!
shut the fuck uo, i am not interested.
...no, actually 2 days. My MSN account was some how plagued with connectivity problems. I just couldn't log on. And It feels as if I am stranded on an island, with no means of communication with the outside one. This really shows how successful Microsoft is. All this software and stuff. They become part of your everyday life. It becomes a necessity. Msn for one expands the way you connect to people. Years ago, there was the telephone. You got to record down your friends number and you call them. Then with handphone and SMS, it became easier
A 1 day experience
Feel much better today. A little reminder to the things that make me tick as well as the stuff i really want to achieve really did boost my morale. But I think I am still not in top form yet. Earlier part of next week should be tough. Friday's for october fest and sat's for yanzhi's bday party. Sunday's for sentosa!!! HAHAH. Oh, and I forgot I need to shop for that killer shirt to be worn during my Comms presentation. K.Low's half way back.
Think I have got sufficient content for the second story. Maybe I can piece my poems to write the story of Zente. And also, when people ask "who's Zente" and when people ask "What kind of god is he" Speaks mountain. Now I need a title.
1 a.m. and here I am haunted by distant memories. A tinge of bittersweet, peppered with a little heartache. Doh...time really flies. Episodes of life come into and come to pass. Stories that bear so much are reduced to memories and words in Lucien's Library. It shuts down my egosphere and shakes me deep within. I have come far from there. Stories inbetween no one heard. Wel...there are..a number of keepers. Ready to tell the story, if they do remember. Haha. Thats all part and parcel of this long journey. I have changed alot to.I compare myself at various stages of my life, Sec school? JC..NS...and here I am, not quite at the end of this ongoing process of change and growing up.
Hmm..and I haven't been quite like myself of late...something that irks me...somehow, I feel vulnerable. Not like times when I feel I could take on the world. I wanna feel that way again. The feeling of invulnerability, of being the best and thrashing the rest, feeling as if everything else is a speck of dust, feeling on top of the world. Where did that feeling go? What do I need to find that. I haven't lost sight of my goals, not at all....damn...wtf...am i doing...
I am human too. And so I feel. Right now, I feel fucked up. All fucked up inside. Yes, I am screwed up deep inside. I know it. I always knew. Just that I never show it and I don't care about it. But at times, the situation just reveals the rotten core of the apple. Not now. Not now. When everything is fresh and I am off to a good start in school. I wanna enjoy the high flying golden age. I don't wanna let this crumble me. No.
I want to say "Not me, thats unlike me" but I can't garner the strength so say so. Is allmy ego and outer confidence a mere puff? Maybe the saying is true. I wanna run somewhere and hide. FUCK!
..Things just keep getting on my nerve. I am pissed off with everything that doesn't go my way. Something is wrong. And I need to sort that out!!!!
If there is one place you ought not to be, its my egosphere. You can try to enter it. Sometimes, it reaches out and attempts to engulf you. But the mechanism works naturally this way: Nothing goes in. Anything that comes near the sphere will feel the flames. Because deep inside, right smack in the middle of it, is a core - an amalgation of feelings. The egosphere protects it. It is a defensive mechanism. It pre-empts any vector that may be of harm. At times, it echos the words of the core "Don't play with me, cos I ain't playing"
While lucifer's will runs on his pride and is infinite, Zente's will is only as strong as his ego. Beyond that...
And now that Aura protects me.
I learnt something about myself today. Alot of times, I tend to be pushy. This is not the first time I unintentionally piss someone off. It can end up quite bad. I need to change that... seriously. Be self aware at times when I am proposing ideas. Don't force people. Thats damn uncool.
Also, When I get excited, I become very "Loud". Thats very uncool too.
that can happen is this: Your ego is on the rise, and then for no obvious reason, it starts to take a plunge. Like a profit taking trading day. Your confidence suddenly feels shaken. That causes you to lose sight of what you want. From then on, a chain reaction can make you go all the way down.
The worse thing
Thats me at the moment. One week of break and I don't have a clear plan of how to make full use of my time. I am not too sure of my social well-being. Maybe I have set expectations that were too high and too ambitious. Now that I am halfway up, the cliff seems too high to scale. As for deb, the positive prospect that I have maintained thus far appear more and more like a fallacy.
Will my ego, once described as my defensive mechanism, save me from the plunge? I need my goals to keep me focused and on track. Career, Social influence, Power. "Systematically taking steps towards my objectives" thats what I once said. My present state is unlike me.
Zen: You are great Kelvin, of course, you only say this when no one is already. but yeah you are great.
Zen v Zon
Zon: So how do you justify the fact that you didn't achieve at least an A for your biz law report
Zen: Bathe in your ego, feel good and then its time to roll again. Be humble. Your ego is your strength and your weakness.
Zon: You know your presentation skills are not up to the mark. Even if...
Zen: You are better than most others
Zon: You ain't the best of the best
Zen: No pain no gain
Zon: You are far from what you strive to be
Zen: Do something!Trump.
Notice the difference in their style of speech. The intelligent versus the emotional prodigy. Somehow, the line seem to blur towards the end.
I am still the Kelvin I once was.
Yeah, I still am
On the surface, I may seem to change
But nothing moves the will, motivation and goals
that are hidden under shadows
Listen up, my name is Kelvin.
My title is no longer significant.
'The great' is already enshrined within
Just as 'Ceasar' is to Ceasar
I haven't felt this for some time
and so I must thank the incompetent people,
who are mildly pissing me off.
I am still nice at the moment
Nodding in agreeableness
Wait till you see my light.