MirrorriM part 4
Scroll down to part 1 first.
But that’s all material. My greatest failure is with my emotions. Infact, my entire emotional world is rotten and messed up. For no reasons, I hurt and get hurt. I maintain no control over my temper and patience with my mother. I shredded my great friendship. I am indifferent and don’t love my parents. I have a screwed up set of morals.
(eg. I seriously think its ok if I cause someone in an ambulance to die. He is going to die someday anyway. People who donate to charity are insulting the "needys" because they devoid them of the opportunity to help themselves If an auntie sells tissue at orchard, anyone who doesn’t buy from her is a fugger cos she is already trying to help herself unlike losers on charity shows looking all sad and helpless. Come on, even if you have cancer or kidney failure or have 3 limps amputated, you can still bask or draw stuff and sell or do anything else to help yourself. As long as you help urself) Basically, I am inside out when it comes to morals. My moral distribution curve is infinite when its only a small matter but negative infinity if its something big. As seen above. Summary: I am a screwed up person.Haiz…why am I so impatient with my mother.
End of my 4 part late night blog. Training tomorrow.
People who say "I don’t have to prove myself to anyone, I believe in what I do and that’s enough"
MirrorrM part 3
I am sure…. Your life may be totally your own but when it comes to doing certain things, you ain’t fucking within control. Unless your family members are all dead and you have no friends. Meaning, you are a total loner.
If you can’t prove to your dad that you driving skills are good, he ain’t gonna lend you your car. Dude, its time to prove yourself to yourself. Go ahead an buy yourself a car.
What I am saying is, someday, somehow, you have gotta prove yourself to someone else in order to do certain things. You are seldom in full control.
Maybe there is some out there who thinks that my parents don’t control me much. Well, I haven’t heard anyone say that but I know someday, someone will say so. I spent the past 4 to 5 years proving myself in almost every aspect to my dad. It’s a matter of the innate ego of fathers. Once I was totally look down upon and I was quite unhappy with the fact that he never taught me much as a child. It was only then that I realise I had the best lesson in life.
Don’t depend on others to hold your hand along the steps. If I want to "no need to prove myself to anyone but myself", I first got to prove myself to them. Prove to them that without "you" I can fly higher. Prove "I don’t need you"
How does it feel like when you know your father will say you are useless if you tell him you failed in accomplishing something. When you try to seek parental comfort, you get scorned at. The feeling sucks. But who knows? Maybe it was just his way of using reverse psychology to encourage. Now as I wirte (wrong spelling. Who cares? That’s a pure mistake. Here in the realmZ od tha minds ist perfactli aceptaber) I think I found the cradle of my "I will not fail or lose" mentality. SO in almost evrything I did eversince, failure cease to exist. Drive test, A levels, O levels, NS, Scholarships, CCA you name it. Everytime I attepmt something that involves any means of meauring success and failure, my dad is at the back of my mind. Like a ropeless climber. There is no room for failure.
Thus, the words Sorry lose fail or regret does not exist.
I have been termed dreamer. Many have said something like, stop day dreaming. There you go again…blah blah blah. Absolutely right. I enjoy saying things that are absurb, crap, almost impossible or unattainable. So what? At least I know when to get real. Point being, I know what are the 9 rubbish and dream talk I am spurting and what’s the one thing I will actually want to try doing. Most importantly, I enjoy doing so. It makes me happy. It makes my day. Dreaming lets your creativity run wild cos the limits of attainability binds you no more. I am going to do an experiment.
MirrorrM part 2
For the next week, I am going to tell some of my friends this "I am going to invent a teleporting machine. The science behind it is actually available. I am going to invent it"
I reckon 75 percent of my friends will say something similar to me dreaming.
Point of information here. The science behind it is available and I read it in a 2003 edition of Scientific America. Who is to say that I will not be the one to win the patent 10 yrs down. Who is to say that I will not be financially capable to do so.
Let me list who I am going to try this with and I shall update their response.
Another 6 more, can’t think of who now.
You know what. Some people don’t dream talk at all. Waoh. Realistic guy. And they don’t even know what they are really doing with their time.
Its been a long time since this kind of self-reflection sink into me. I thought of quite some stuff today which I would like to voice here. Afterall, this is a good medium to voice one's subconscions and conscions. Writing in proper languange, paragraphing and structure underminds the capacity of the human mind to run wild and skip from blue to Atticus finche to "best mix of music" in a flash. So in today's entry, I will exhibit one of my hidden talents, haha, revelaing the mind in the purest form. The bizzare, random side of it where spellings have no meaning and words carry no significance.
MirrorriM part 1
- Who is to say that the word "kuchiku" does not exist? It means piss off and stop being an idiot to me.
Yesterday, some cockster insulted me, maybe unintentionally. But he insulted me slightly and I was about to gan him. If not for the fact that there were many people around, I would have unleashed a belt of verbal ammunition on him.
He said "look at the way he does our accounting you know liao". Negative comments about my maths preceded this. Who cares if its harmless or what. What really made me think "dude, if you want to insult me, at least insult me properly". I said "Did I do our accounts badly?" The cockster of cos backed off and said "ermgfmg" Cock. I have been doing everything properly. And most interestingly, I never showed him anything. So how did he arrive with his conclusion that I did things badly. Oh that adds to the third time of people who don’t think. People who speak without thinking and making conslusions BASED ON NOTHING or worse BASED ON OPINIONS. Of cos, I gotta accept my friend’s flaws. No one is perfect. I still believe perfection is a flaw itself.
Reason, substantiation and evidence qualifies your statement. Not big flashy words which I need to look through the dictionary to understand.
Yeah, today the person said "…fly kite…the bracket is very cheap one…" I was gonna rebut with "have you changed a bracket before? How then do you know how much it cost. Please don’t try to sound like you know a lot about something if you know nuts." Yeah, someone eventually told him that the brackets are actually damn expensive. He retreated with "really meh?" Dude. Have you changed a bracket before?
Well seriously, I read this somewhere and I think its one thing I remember till now. If you are unsure or don’t know about something, but want to keep up with a conversation or the like without losing face, the best way is to say "I don’t know" confidently and honestly. Not by acting like you know.Cos if you don’t know something, you won’t be able to pull off the lie. Even if you do, you gonna expose yourself somehow. I have learnt to live by that code of conduct ever since and I realise that when you actually do so, people look at you differently. Yes I tried that. Maybe some people should try doing so too.
I don't really remember how the month began. Nothing about june seem to exist in my memory. Flash and wow, now we are at the end of the month. For some of my friends, Uni camps have started. For me, its another month ahead. Till then, I think i better buck up.
A review of june
Been slacking the whole of june i guess, think that was a much deserved rest. Other than slacking, I pretty much did nothing. Geez. I have been leading the good but unhealthy life. Haven't studied in 2 weeks and even when I did, I only study on weekends. Ask me what happened recently? I don't know, I have touch newspaper for a month. I think army is the only period of time when you have the capacity to read newspaper everyday. Nothing to lament about, I wanted the rest, I enjoyed it. Haha of cos I did.
Clublife is underperforming, it is about time some things get settled.
Nothing but milk, tea, plain water and beer. Nothing else.
Study 2 to 3 times a week. Should just fix it on Mon, fri and wed.
Start training up. I feel I should join SMU bowling team. Need to train up to get into the team. Will start from this week. Tuesdays and thursday.
Even if I watch the 3am matches, I must wake up in time for exercise.
Newspaper. Newspaper. Newspaper.
Zhng my english. Seriously zhng it.
Now, thats what I consider a good life. Structured.Enjoyable.Meaningful.
Went out with the dudes and babes of S26 today. So if anyone of you happen to pop by this space, nice meeting up with you people and catching up after such a long time. Though I think mother shane's place is definitely better for such gatherings. I am really happy everyone is making the effort to meet up no matter how busy they are. It was a day well spent.
Mind's cafe is a good place to chill... of and as a footnote, driving a pretty girl home and listening to good music at night is as usual, enjoyable.
Wonderful, its 3am in the morning and I am feeling pissed off instead of happily running about dreamland with class95 playing softly in the background.
There are two kind of people in this world who can't think. The first group of these homosapiens who can't think are those who are biologically incapable of thinking. Without question, we can't blame them for not being able to think. But the truth is, they piss people off. When they ask for help, they keep talking instead of listening. Maybe their inability to think made them unable to recognise the fact that when you are talking you can't listen. And when you can't listen, you can't learn. Worse of all, they beat around the bushes talking shit which serves no purpose in helping you to help them.
The other class of the "can't think" sapiens are actually highly intellectual. Problem is, they get so used to it that they eventually voice opionions of I think without actually thinking. And being relatively full of themselves, they speak with much authority sounding like wise men. It goes much like this: I think....(well, they don't even use the words I think anymore cos they assume what they say ought to be words of wisdom) blah blah blah (followed by) pseudo reason number 1, 2 and 3. If you actually bother to look at these pseudo reasons 1, 2 and 3 closely, you will realise that this reasons are more of opinions rather than reasons with a base. Due to a lack of substantiation, these pseudo reasons are often open-ended words made to sound chim. Point being, they give opinions "thinking" that they are "good reasons". They can think, but they don't. Somehow they got addicted to giving opinions instead. No point arguing with this group here, because they are really confident of bringing forth their bullsh- as logic. Feel sad for them instead.
zhng my room part 4
My phone camera sucks so the quality isn't really very good. Top left, the add-on to cover the mess around my xbox and wirings. Top right, my new coffee table and a simple decoration.32 bucks in total. It serves the effect of assimilating the bin into the setting of my room. It used to look absolutely out of place. Left, my oil painting named Energy.
Will be getting a cheap small radio to fit below the mirrored platform and changing the crt to lcd.
If there is one word to describe 2006, the word would be "Great" Wait..this is wrong, I am only half way through the year. But who cares. Haha. Well, great in the sense that I feel wonderful. Slightly different from great as in KTG. Anyway, KTG is no more so we do not talk about KTG.
Climbing The rungs
Today, clublife.sg launches. The address is www.clublife.sg. It isn't some great achievement but it is a small step. One small step towards achieving what WE want to achieve. It feels woonderful hearing words of encouragement from the people around me. Its really heart warming to know that while its the 7 of us actually doing it, there are a group of close friends behind us;constantly pumping our morale and inspiring us by giving positive comments on how we can do this and that. 5 Months back, we envisioned an idea. 2 months back, the board was formed. 7 weeks ago, we had our first meeting. Now in record time, we launch our site.
Hell yeah. This is only the beginning. The real challenge is coming up in the months ahead.
Project Zhng My Room: Part 3
Yep. Thats a mirror with a black border made using cardboard and black paper. Neatly done eh? It covers the Xbox and also hides the plugs and wirings. Without question, the radio is only temporary. I am looking for one that is around 30 dollars with digital display, to be put inside the shelving.I saw one which changes channel when you shift the position of a metal ball resting on it. Now i am considering shifting the TV, or replacing it is a small LCD that can be mounted on the wall. Maybe a second hand one will do. Anyone interested in selling?
Anyway, I went shopping for all this stuff today and have found a couple of alternatives to the black coffee table seen earlier. The few that I saw are more elegant but expensive too. Now, I am deciding between grey, beige and black for the table. If I chose black, it will complement the small platform by my bed. Will go to Ikea tomorrow for more ideas. The boomerang above my sofa will soon be replaced by a piece of oil painting I bought today. Cost me 215 but its really quite nice. Even with that, I think my white wall is too plain. Shall look for something to complement the picture too. I also managed to remove one of the two boxes. Actually I am thinking of getting a piece of cloth to wrap the box or something to case it, so that I will eventually have a movable table for studying or playing boardgames..esp mahjong.
I also realised that my room lacks life. It's not totally cosy, neither is it cold metallic. It just feels stale. I reckon its due to the grey and beige which sets the theme of my room. I saw an alternative for my ugly grey dustbin. 59.90 for a small metallic one. Cool, but expensive!! I need a good combination of reflective solid colours. I think some flowers and metal decorations will negate the dullness too. Actually, I think I should make good use of the dragon candle stand I bought from Australia. Yeah, one more thing I will really change is the ugly looking chair I have. Swap it with the cool black chair that is being wasted in the Kitche. My mom puts newspaper on it. The thing with a black chair is that it REMAINS black. The white one just turns yellow. Lesson learnt. I might actually consider selling off my PC and replace it with a docking station for my VAIO. Haha...I realised I really love black. Black LCD, Black chair, black table, black border. Well, it will balance with the white wall and marble floor. Won't it?
The army poster and baby poster will be gone. Especially the army one. Gosh, you can just imagine what girls think of the poster..geez "Commanding respect, respecting command" Good statement. But...a no no for bedroom deco. As for the baby poster, haiz the baby is really cute but...it just got to go.
Yep, and my budget is 500 bucks for this entire zhng my room project. Haha. I am happy today. At least now I am certain I am not lesser than Boon Chin. Well, I never thought I was. Hell no. But I needed something as mandate. I just got it today. HAHAHAHA. Its time to choose an overseas Uni for exchange. Yeah! I am not KTF for nothing. Sentosa tomorrow. Orientation dinner on friday, so I guess I need a tan. Stay tune for part 4 on thursday, the painting will be here by then. Guys, give me some suggestions please, and please comment on the mirror thing which I just did. Yeah
Project Zhng My Room:Part II
These are some of my ideas. Compared with the earlier pictures.
The boxes and all the stuff on top should go..... The wall and the sofa is too plain...
Project: Zhng my room
My room is decent, but it can be better. SO i have decided to zhng my room and up the atmosphere. Such that everytime I step into my room, it feels like stepping into a showroom or a hotel room. Its not impossible. These are the photos of my room before zhng. I will post another set of pictures once its done. Feel free to download the pictures and give some suggestions. Ya know, photoshop and stuff. Lets see who among my host of readers are creative enough to come up with something that really rocks. Stay tuned.
(Untidy eh...) and lacks atmosphere too much junk here.....
Been some time since i blog my feelings. Ha. Listening to the many songs on class95 just sets my emotions fired up. Gone are the days when I use to think I am impervious to feelings. This night, the music playing on the radio strikes my heart through my egosphere.
JOyful interruption--> beef noodle from bukit timah and a can of beer. What more can I ask for. HehHeh.
Uncalled for interruption-->Ec just informed me about the third contest. Exec issue. Lush995 issue...
Hmm...so much up my mind right now but I just haven't got the heart to pen it. Geez.Some things are better kept hidden up my mind. Although I seriously believe in the "who cares what others think or feel" mentality, doing so is another matter.
So much for tonight...
So much t
Guang yi asked me why I am in project clublife. The conversation went as such
Guang Yi's query
KTF:u know it was meant to be a side project
KTF:i was in the process of starting up another business idea
KTF:alot of people were asking whether clublife is for business
KTF:wong came up with the idea of having the website plus the cca
KTF:i thought it would e a good way to establish social status
KTF:plus it would be fun
KTF:so it fits 2 of my 3 objectives in life
KTF:social standing cos inevitably will become popular
KTF:and also career
guangyi- once again, clublife.sg :eh, sykpe? ok?
KTF:its something that is easier to startup compared to others
KTF:dun skype la
KTF:and its sustainable even if there is no business
KTF:i can pursue my other interest as well
KTF:i have learnt quite a deal about marketing/finance/sales and general business stuff
KTF:so i am eager to try them out
KTF:on top of that
KTF:i think i will get to learn things beyon the classroom, that would be beneficial considering what i am studying for uni
The downside is, clublife has consumed my other business plan. Thats not good!!!
Anyway, I just watched the 1970s original version of The Omen. I find it remotely insulting.What makes people think that Lucifer is so free to go around doing evil deeds and seeking world domination. For what!? Isn't it Lucifers point of pride not to bother?
Another sleepless night. Something got into me so I came back online from my bed just to blog. I think I am much near where I have wished to be. I am on track and all steady. Just one final hurdle that stands in my way. My identity crisis. When I was in sec 3, the darkest period of my life, I crushed my identity and emerged a brand new person. What I am today is the results of 6 years of self-evaluation and growth. Zen was destroyed just before I enlisted. I knew he won't survive because Zen was too self-centred. IN his place, Zente was born. I brought forward all the resilience and strengths of Zen (as in the play). NS thought me alot and now the journey as Zente has come to an end. I think Zente was flawless. Versatile, resilient, emotionally strong whatever. But there is no perfection because perfection is itself a flaw. The only way to breakthrough this limit is to recognize myself all over again.
The final Hurdle
Haha. Coincidentally, 6th June '06. What a perfect day to welcome the rebirth of Kelvin. Ok enough of all that shit. As of today, Neither Zen, nor Zon nor their advent Zente exist anymore. Because Kelvin is who I am now and forever. One name to rule them all. Whatever form I take along the journey, I must eventually move forward as Kelvin. Oh, and my title remains unchanged. Kelvin, the Fallen.