I won't let this continue for much longer.
Need to wake up my idea and save myself from going downhill.
I feel that my wellbeing and happiness is being exposed to externalities.
If I hide and shield it, I will never learn.
The one word, insecurity.
From not being aware of it.
To being aware of it
And not attempting to overcome it.
It will take time for sure.
But I don't the way things are now.
Cos I am not in fucking control of my own wellbeing.
And in short, I am not taking good care of MY life.
The short solution, fuck it, heck care.
If you can do it once, you can do it again and again and again.
You grow out of it.
I don't like the way things up.
Its plain obvious to me and everyone else in the world that i have got a little something for her.
I don't want it that way.
Maybe I am just trying to deny this feeling.
Flip side of the coin: Maybe my gut feeling is right, this is just a mere crush with no end in mind.
I wish for the latter but shadows of what I have done in the past hunts me. Reminds me of my immaturity, reminds me of how I am a coward who only knows how to evade the truth.
Maybe I should consult myself. What do I really want? I want someone to complete my me. And relationship is the last piece. So I really don't want to waste efforts on these stuff before I attain my other goals. And what should I do? I think its to ignore it, do nothing because I tend to do the wrong stupid things. Enjoy the moment, and fight for the things I want. Ok. I am all set.
Amazing.
A few hours back, I was telling someone to take things in stride. Not get stressed, to relax and such.
I was driving back home, and generating stress over nothing. Honest facts: I am not sure if I can get my internship because honestly, i felt I could have done better.Nervous? No. Lack of preparation? No. Only reason I can contemplate: lack of experience, not zai enough.
And now I am reminded of my 10 years goal. 47 days into the new year, I don't think I have made much progress.
So, back to the topic of generating stress. It think it's what motivates me, always making myself feel that I am not performing up to par keeps pushing me up. And when you up the ante, you look back and realise that unknowingly, you have surpassed many others. The only reason why I feel I am underachiving is because I can't surpass myself. Damn.
And so I settle with cointreau-tonic. No work tonight. I just wanna rest well. And hopefully, its gonna be sunshine waking me up tomorrow morning. Somehow, I can't feel chinese new year.
I think I need to start by asking myself why on earth I am pissed. Am i pissed with myself or pissed because of what others did. Cos ifs its the latter, then I ought to be ashamed of myself. How can I possibly let others affect my mood.
Arg fuck!no one crosses that line and affect my mood.
AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Thats all.
What the fuck is wrong with me!!!! Don't be confused. I have never been more focused in my work,more motivated or experience a higher morale.
But, there is a vulgarly wrong train of thought going through my mind that is irritating. Though its not affecting any aspect of me,save my mood, its pissing me off.
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