< Zentenism
Monday, January 29, 2007

performance indicator:
Sat - 2/10
Sunday -4/10
Monday - 5/10. I give myself credit for contributing towards TWC and BGS project and finishing the bulk of my Stats Assignment. Other than that. 2 thumbs down.

What makes me pissed of is the fact that I know whats the problem - distraction.
I can't think of a way to solve the problem and I can't summon the will to solve it.

Another thing.The dilemma of moving away from this problem solving mentality and don't think about it. The SOI issue. I don't even want to spell it out.

Third. My discipline is like gone.

Fourth issue. I am way too careless about the things I do and how I relate to others. In short, I don't know what the star I am doing. I am doing things one moment and feeling dumb about myself the next. I am leading my day to day life with no sense of direction.

So if you think about it in terms of my 5 Ms of Success - Morale, motivation, Mission, Measures and Mind.

Motivation is no where in sight. My will is Gone F. As such I am straying off the process(measure) and all this leads to an overall decline in morale. Good thing is, the long term goal is unshaken. Wonderful, seems like the interconnected parts of my engine is crumbling.

Worse of all, my mom is pissing me off with stupid questions.

Separate issue: I was just telling Lifeng about scandal management. It seems to have ricochete back to me. Which leads me back to point one. I am partially responsible. Yet I can't seem to do anything. Maybe I don't have to do anything. But I am feeling uncomfortable not doing anything about it and letting the situation stray off on its own. Dilemma. Should I close the doors and sort myself out? Or should I, as I have sworn to learn, be brave enough to stick through this SOI issue, sort it once and for all. Option, 2.

You know what, I am gonna sleep now. And when I wake up tomorrow, I will bear three things in mind.
1. I won't allow anything to shake my emotions or my mind.
2. I give myself 1 month to sort this SOI issue, bearing in mind the concept of "I do as I wish"
3. Because I still know what my goals are, and I still want to achieve them, this is only a passing phase.

- posted by zente at 8:42 AM

Sunday, January 28, 2007

I don't know what to say about my weekend. Its almost useless. I slept till 12 on saturday and then went for waikiki recee at sentosa. Yes in the rain. After that, dinner at newton circus was outstanding. Though its expensive as well. Realise marilyn is too stubborn for me to waste my breath so I shall let her have her way and reap the benefits. Muahahaha. And thats it for my fucking saturday. I basically did nothing.
Oh well, I slept at 11 and woke up around 1 today. Spent like 1.5 hours studying my TWC and thats about it before going to school for TWC meeting. Came home to watch TV. Well I really like the show and was glad I managed to catch "The Apprentice" after missing it for a number of weeks. But then..gosh..I am so bloddy slack I wanna cry. Boo!

Don't compare me with others/ yourself. Just because you are slacker doesn't justify my time wasting. Ahh!!! Its not that I am spending too much time watching TV and such. Its part of having a balanced life. Its just that I am not optimizing time usage. Imagine the hours wasted sleeping, only to make me feel more lathergic in the day.

- posted by zente at 8:42 AM

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Some things are no big deal and acceptable by all standards, but not mine. When my goals and my grades are at stake, I will do anything to eliminate all barriers. I can't be more pissed off with myself. Time and again, I have proven how I am negligent and careless with my work. Can't be more embarassed.Haiz.

- posted by zente at 5:52 AM

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Cousin's getting married this weekend. I like my new white shirt from Esprite. Haha. Well, the guys quite good really. Before my uni days, I always though he is the symbol of success. At the age of 26, he is a captain drawing a pay of around 3.5k? can afford to buy his own car and house. Was a Saf scholar. Nice guy. I wasn't certain if I could achieve those standards.

Now, I am pretty sure. Unless things go wrong. Based on my performance now, I am quite confident that I can surpass the standard he has set. For that I am happy. My strong desire for achievements in terms of career and influence has led some to believe that I am "growing out of proportion". The truth is, I value success in a number of dimensions including career, power, family, social and emotional. And I do know what it means to be successful in each. I consistently kao beh myself for my lack lustre performance in school. Thats my way of motivating myself. But I definitely ain't negative. Because over the past 3 years, I have grown in terms of emotional stability. I am highly motivated on 4 out of 7 mornings. Come home feeling good and waiting to disturb my sisters. What most people do not see is that I have been making the effort to build a healthy circle of friends. We all know how important it is to have friends supporting you when you are down and low.

Success as defined above? I am pretty certain of it. But I ain't trumping the world yet. My philosophy still holds.
Aim to reach the stars knowing that you will be comfortable if you only reach jupiter. But at the same time, remind yourself that you are more than capable to hit the galaxies.

- posted by zente at 12:15 AM

Monday, January 15, 2007

Somehow, my lowerback is aching for no reasons. Don't know what the hell happened by its quite pain. Damn it. Another hectic day, and I am glad cognitare case competition has ended. We did well today and I firmly believe that we are among the top performing teams of the 8. My honest opinion is that we have a good chance of winning the top 2 prizes.

In terms of individual performance, I think I could have done better if I had more time to rehearse. As usual,pronounciation problems. Other than that, I think I have reached a new level in presentation confidence. Good Job. But I still think that there are certain areas where I can improve on.

Anyway, I am truly happy that I am on the way to achieving my goals for term 2. Although my chance of getting into cognitare is slim, I secretly believe that I will be able to make it to the next round and into the team eventually. As of now, I feel that my chances are 12.5 percent. 1 out of 8. In other words, I think I am better than half of the people who took part.

Over the past 2 days, I notice something about my confidence level. It seems that after having put ego aside for sometime, my confidence has sky rocketed. It will be dumb to speak of the individual moments here because they are insignificant compared to how you feel inside. Its about how sure I was of my own capabilities. In the past, it was ego when I said those words but these days, I truly believe deep down that I can and that I will. Once again good job.

For a moment, I felt like I was a star. As much as I am aware, 3 have compared themselves with stars. Samael himself. Jesus, who said "I am Lucifer" according to Revelation 12.16 and J. Ceasar.

For now, even though I am in cruise mode, I am pretty taxed. And it is all this little sense of achievements which makes me feel that nothing is impossible. Having been spending time at home. As usual, I am critical with myself and I am pretty comfortable with that. Afterall, I am always generating internal stress to keep myself running. So, although I do appreciate people who are concerned about me and keep asking me to relax. I can only say that maybe you guys are thinking a little too much. I never felt that life is more balanced and meaningful before.For one, I think I am spending a little too much time talking cock on msn. So that will have to cut down a little. Afterall, my GPA is already below par and I seriously got to pump up my grades this term.

To end of this long blog entry, I am pretty unhappy with what someone said today. For one, I am not really interested in watching basketball matches. While I do enjoy sports, I don't really enjoy watching them. But thats not the main point. The thing is, I feel that while it is indeed a nice thing to do; going down to support a friend who is playing in a match is not top piority. I haven't spend much time at home and I have unsettled work plus I am lagging on readings. Therfore, I am firm with my stand. I really can't stand such soft coercion. Makes me feel like I am guilty. What the...oh well.

- posted by zente at 7:51 AM

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Talk about an exciting university life. Haha. I have a 3 day week class schedule, but I am running on a 7 day work week.

Began CLAP with audrey on thursday, and then went back to school to mug a little of BGS. It started raining quite badly from Thursday night and continued till friday.So I gave Lifeng a ride to school. The rush caught me, so I forgot to bring my books and shower stuff for the night's cognitare. Either way, it was quite fun. Reminded me of the clublife meetings. Although I forgot all about the night's cognitare, I didn't forget to wear RED. aha. The colour of aggression. Heheh. Time to speak up in class, maybe I spoke abit too much for BGS, but considering that it is such a competitive class, how can K. Low sit on the side bench.

So..cognitare and overnight-no-sleep planning. Heck...alot of stuff eluded my half awake mind. Heck! I am better than that! But oh well, the primary objective for taking part is to know what it is like. I will be there again in year 2, suppose I don't get through this time round. Chances are slim, but things are still going as planned. Breakfast at Toa Payoh. Back to Nafa to clock my CLAP hours.

Audrey and I came up with new meanings for CLAP which is supposed to mean Cultural Literacy Attachment Programme. But now it means Come Lets All Party and Cultural Little, Appetite plentiful. Cos everytime we CLAP, we gonna look for a new place in town for lunch. haha. Doubt anyone ever though clap was fun. So I went back to school at 2 to settle the LKC interview proposal and then reached home at 4 plus. Took a nap but it unknowingly stole 5 hours of my precious time!!! Tried to study my TWC and prepare for class participation but don't know what the hell I was doing. Maybe I need more rest. Oh...tomorrow is sunday? But guess what? Waikiki recee at 10. Presentation rehearsal at 3. Wonderful. I hardly have time for my precious bedroom. Next week is week 3, and I think projects are beginning to enter my life.

Sometimes, I stop and wonder...whether all this are worth it. It seems like every part of my uni life is still going as planned. A balance of fun, study and climbing the rungs. But..what if I made a fundamental mistake in my planning and all these efforts don't pay off...? 9 years, 1 Dream. Life begins at 30.

- posted by zente at 8:05 AM

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Haiz...I don't know whats wrong with me. Being a total idiot. Making a fool of myself. Yeah. Its all fun. But I am not being myself. I am distracted. Losing Focus. And hell. The way I am treating others..its too careless.

- posted by zente at 7:17 AM


Haiz...I don't know whats wrong with me. Being a total idiot. Making a fool of myself. Yeah. Its all fun. But I am not being myself. I am distracted. Losing Focus. And hell. The way I am treating others..its too careless.

- posted by zente at 7:17 AM

Friday, January 05, 2007

Haiz...another not so glorious entry.
Performance indicator for the day? 1.0/10
1 point for saying "suppliers" and for the decent shirt.

I can't believe I was dumbstruck. I couldn't fucking speak up in class. What on holy fuck earth is happening to me. In terms of knowledge, I definitely do not lack behind even if I am not the most knowledgable. All the nitty gritty techniques for speaking up, I have them all too. WHat the fuck? Was I shy in front of all my friends? Or was I just plain zero on confidence. Either way its totally unacceptable. I imagine how people like Janice Yeo will be speaking up in a class like this. Seems like I have everything but just not exhibiting them. Totally disappointed with myself. I am glad that this is a wake up call. Compared with people like her, I am way off the mark because I CAN"T SPEAK UP.

on another more encouraging note, maybe its the bad stomach. Maybe its the early morning. Maybe its just a bad day. This will not happen again. And you know what, from this day on, I will have a piece of plain paper and a pen with me to structure my thoughts and follow the class discussion. Objective for the term: To be able to speak structuredly, with confidence and look like I really know the stuff. It will begin with pen and paper mind maps.

I thought this would be a good way to initiate

1. Understand the main point of the discussion
2. Brain storm possible related case studies, stories, scenarios etc
3. Draw reference between what I know and the main point beging discussed
4. Identify my point
5. Subtantiate my points
6. Quick mental rehearsal
7. Speak up.
If this doesn't work, I will try again.

Dude. You have 3280 days, you better be making progress on every single day.

- posted by zente at 3:00 AM


Haiz...another not so glorious entry.
Performance indicator for the day? 1.0/10
1 point for saying "suppliers" and for the decent shirt.

I can't believe I was dumbstruck. I couldn't fucking speak up in class. What on holy fuck earth is happening to me. In terms of knowledge, I definitely do not lack behind even if I am not the most knowledgable. All the nitty gritty techniques for speaking up, I have them all too. WHat the fuck? Was I shy in front of all my friends? Or was I just plain zero on confidence. Either way its totally unacceptable. I imagine how people like Janice Yeo will be speaking up in a class like this. Seems like I have everything but just not exhibiting them. Totally disappointed with myself. I am glad that this is a wake up call. Compared with people like her, I am way off the mark because I CAN"T SPEAK UP.

on another more encouraging note, maybe its the bad stomach. Maybe its the early morning. Maybe its just a bad day. This will not happen again. And you know what, from this day on, I will have a piece of plain paper and a pen with me to structure my thoughts and follow the class discussion. Objective for the term: To be able to speak structuredly, with confidence and look like I really know the stuff. It will begin with pen and paper mind maps.

I thought this would be a good way to initiate

1. Understand the main point of the discussion
2. Brain storm possible related case studies, stories, scenarios etc
3. Draw reference between what I know and the main point beging discussed
4. Identify my point
5. Subtantiate my points
6. Quick mental rehearsal
7. Speak up.
If this doesn't work, I will try again.

Dude. You have 3280 days, you better be making progress on every single day.

- posted by zente at 3:00 AM


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