< Zentenism
Monday, January 30, 2006

Chinese New Year is almost over. It seems like the days just flashed by in an instant. Its all so fast. I have recovered from my fever and very much alive and kicking now. Tied by tradition, CNY is quite the usual. Red packets, bai nian and good food should well summarise the past few days. This year however, a deep tension lurks within my family like the build up to a major earthquake. I wish to talk no more about it.
I just came home from clubbing and so fulfilled my wish of visiting DXO at long last. Been wanting to club for quite some time. It was a waste I missed out on the recent bash at black. Tonight, I finally got to wash off all troubles and worries with good music and some wicked dancing. The girls were kinda hot and the age group of the crowd was just nice. So at least thats one item checked off my to-play list. Maybe I should really go to MOS someday.
Tomorrow, I am expecting quite a number of guest over at my place. I promised good food and drinks and so I sincerly hope I can deliever my promise. Wonder what time I will wake up tomorrow. Wish I can wake up basked in the nice and warm sunshine. I should be a long day ahead and much rest is need actually. However I can't really get to sleep now.
This two days, thoughts of her did fill my mind at times. I wonder how she is doing. Does she think of me too? I hope not...because it will be easier for her that way. I hope she does... cos I miss her a little. Maybe the past four months have made me accustomed to erasing her from my memory. When I think of her now, it feels more distant. No longer filled with the bittersweet longing. Maybe its better for us like she said. I guess that maybe in a month's time, I shall be able to clean forget her. With work, the mind has less time to procrasinate and drift off to worthless thoughts. I am just looking forward to ORD now. Work is of foremost importance. The rest, its all about becoming the man I envision myself to be. Someday, when she is long forgotten, the door to my heart shall open again for someone else to enter. Thats not my dream ending but as Kelvin, I bet that I need to be realistic and hold strong.
Am I happy these days? I am. And I assume she is too cos I am doing all I can for her to be happy. Or so I know. Why does my mind concern itself with such stuff anyway?

- posted by zente at 12:41 PM

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Looks for thought
I pondered over this during dinner. Those aquainted with me should know of my unique facial feature. Its quite common to have people sneer and make joke of it when they first know me. I believe I have turned these laughters in my advantage.

Upfront, I look fine. My eyes, noses and other features fall nicely in place. I even think that I look pretty good. Yet sometimes, when I do notice the exceptionally triangular profile of my face, I feel a little dismayed. With leniency, lets just say my side view doesn't look as best as it should. That leads to the question of the extent to which it really matters. Or does it?

I have considered the option of a Jaw Operation before. I have had third party opinion as well and they were quite varied. Is it necessary? To put forth such a question is to think of it as a matter of necessity rather than one of aesthetic value. Other than the potential to aid my slightly slurred speech, a surgical job does not serve any purpose. Looks wise, the debate goes deeper.

If I cannot accept my looks, how can I expect others to. It is a matter of pride to feel good about who you really are, about how you look, how you act and the like. I believe I have done well in this aspect. When I do get laughed at, I accept it positively as a joke and laugh at it too. It does show something. Afterall, if you can't fight them, join them. Prove that you respect yourself. Nobody looks perfect and hence a protruding lower jaw does not make me lesser than anyone else. When people first notice me, I believe this goes though their mind "wah". That draws them to me, giving the one opportunity to exhibit a different form of beauty. A form of beauty that exist as graceful finesse. One of character and class. That is how I have lived by. I may not be able to change my appearance (Actually I can, but its up to me to decide for or against it) but I can change the way others look at me.

What do you think?

- posted by zente at 2:59 AM

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Physically and mentally sick. I believe the former is a result of a great lack of sleep. Five days of live firing preparation have caused me to plunge into fatigue. Waking up at 430 has recently become an instinct. The demostration live firing is over at last and all that is left are COC and a final standby. My week has been most interesting though its only tuesday night.
For once in a very long time, Sunday was a working day. The live firing area was familiar but sickening. It was only until 10 that we get to go back. Monday was when I got my best "arrow" ever. I was tasked to go to Bedok to collect a banner. Seeing the crowd of students headed for school in their colourful uniform brought back fond memories of my school days. It also reminded me that soon, I will be on my way to campus in town. I reached Eunos at around 8 and decided I should have breakfast at the hawker. The prata wasn't that fantastic but the idea of being out of camp at 8 on monday morning was wonderful. An even better news followed. The banner was not ready so I was allow to hang around till 2 in the afternoon, collecting it thereafter. So I went to bugis junction and had the previledge of reading the papers over a cup of orange infused mocha. Fantastic. The cinema opened at 10 and I caught Memoirs of a Geisha - Ps instructions which I galdly followed. The movie ended at 1, giving me an hour to spare for some new year shopping in smart four. That somehow hindered the shopping experience. All that done, I collected the banner and went back only at 4.
Monday night, I wasted an hour on stupid thoughts. Was thinking of her again and it really made me feel down. I am glad I have a host of friends who were willing to let me vent. It was only then that I realise I am commiting the same mistake again. The fault lies in thinking too much. There was no immediate problem...infact there was no problem. Its just that the mind and the heart mingled around with each other too much, leading me astray. In short, brooding over nothing! Thats not the way I should be. I remember how I used to be unshakable. I can't like something like this twist me. No matter how important she is, I can't allow the mischief of thoughts to bring me down. Its just not healthy. I believe that of late, I have forgot all about loving me and taking care of myself. All this while, I guess I have been waiting to reach a point of sheer determination. I think the time has come for me to realise that no matter what happens, life goes on. Time won't stop just because I am feeling low. And so, finally, I think I should just adhere to the agreement. Yeah, walking away wasn't easy for her back then. I am able to identify with her now. Since she wishes, I will. I may walk away now, maybe she will too. But I promise I will come back to this same place in another point in time. I will come back. When our paths do cross again, I hope its a fresh start. I have let go of friendship a long time back, when I was certain there will be something more. Till then, Kelvin, life goes on as beautiful as it was.

- posted by zente at 8:09 AM

Saturday, January 21, 2006

By my definition, the reluctance to work due to a lack of energy, usually after being overworked. The workload is really getting on me this few days, with LRI coming and the D. Live Firing preparations underways. Not that I care much about both, but work keeps coming my way, thanks to some who run away from everything without moral integrity.Sheesh.
Guess I have not written anything about army for a long time. Counting down to ORD, I admit that I am really not used to working this hard anymore. I doubt I should lament about work no more. What I really missed out on is the habit of daily reading, which I painstakenly tried to rekindle.
From the above paragraph, one should be able to tell that my thoughts no longer flowing systematically. Maybe I am just tired, that why all there is in my mind for now are random assortment of irrelevant thoughts.
I left camp and decided to drive around a little, eventually ending up in IMM where I thought I should get a haircut and shop around abit. Didn't turn out that way. There wasn't much to eat and the only salon was Jean Yip. I reckon it would be quite expensive and decided to pass. Well I did get my haircut eventaully and it was really a waste of time. Well, wasting time is good. Because when you are wasting time, it means you are not really doing anything: a perfect way to unwind.
I should turn in now, my bed misses me and I need to wake up early tomorrow. Going back to camp on a sunday morning isn't really the best one can get. Haiz.

- posted by zente at 7:00 AM

Saturday, January 14, 2006

The is a meaning to perfection, and that means being complete. Thats was Zentenism is all about. I am not Zen, nor Zon but the higher being that they make. Welcome.

- posted by zente at 8:53 AM

In Lucien's Library
January 2006
February 2006
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