The thing about funeral is that, no matter how detached you feel it always sets you thinking. Why? Because death is part of the book of destiny everyone will face when the time comes. When my grandfather passed on 2 years back, it was sad. I felt sad because we were close. When my father and my uncles wept, I knew they wept out of grief and a sense of loss. Now my maternal grandfather has passed away. I saw my mother and her sisters cry. I can't help but arrive at the conclusion that the seed driving them to their tears is of a different nature. Certain things have shaped that thought and it is very much due to the nature of conflicts within the family.
Unlike my father's side, my mom's family has been plagued by many problems, not different from the problems faced in my immediate family. I will be dwelling onto history if I go on talkign about this. Anyway, he who just passed on has once said that he do not want to see his daughters at his funeral. Thats one. On top of that, there has been numerous occasion in which they claim intentions to break off all relations. Sisters disowning each other, father and mother and daughters disowning each other. All sorts. Yes its ugly but you can't deny the existence of such occasions no matter how ugly they may be seen here. And now? Now they more than weep. They cry. Was it because they suddenly felt they have not fulfilled their duty as childrens? You can say all you want when the person is standing there right infront of you. But when lady death finally catches up with that someone at the crossroads of mortality, on then will you see what you are really made of.
I then start to think of all the times i wish i can seduce someone to suicide. And now I wonder, will I be crying like a helpless and pathetic child when the day comes? Its pathetic. Will what I have done and what I have said and what I have willed myself to lead me to such a state when that day comes? When i then live in regret.
It comes down to two things. You either say it, mean it and don't shed a single drop of tears when it comes. Or. You just shut up and start being filial. And filial is just one aspect of it. At a higher level, its all about reaping what you sow. He wasn't the best of man. maybe even less than that. So the way his daughters treated her can be justified. To an extent its fair. And fairness is all that matters here when you start to consider whether you have done your part as a child. And fairness is a matter of perspective isn't it? Its up to you to judge. And thats why you eventually decide whether you have done your part and that determines the eventual guilt. If what you have done is justified, there should be no guilt eventually. And all this? When you differentiate it all the way down, I see only two determining factors. Pride in what you have done and the fairness that goes with it. And your will. Don't say one thing now and cry "Forget all I have said" eventually.
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