Will
I had an argument with myself on the way home today.A sticky issue which has persisted for a long time. Rather, I should say that its fate that is sticky. Yeah, sticky fate. What do you do when you want to speak up. Yet its dumb to raise the issue because u know you shouldn't even bring it up. What do you do? You blog. So later on, you can deny it all.
It bothers me because i want to get over it. Because from bittersweet feelings, it has become a pain in the neck. More irritating than it is painful. Feelings exist within the subconscion. A secret part of the mind no one can touch. You can't control them, you can't turn them on or off as you wish. It comes when you least expect it and it stays there. For how long it lingers, you can't decide. You can't remove it. Thats the way it is whether you like it or not.Some brief history:
Jan05
It all starts. Well, partially my fault. Matters turn sour until
Sep05
Attempt to escape it all fails. Well thats just fate. For while, it remains untouched and beautiful. Someone comes up with an idea, to hopefully let time cool the matter. Bullsh-
Dec 05
It felt like things worked out. The only reason is that you have been ignoring the issue. But someone else is hurting so you have no choice. Fate again. And of course, I ain't a bastard. You sit through the wee hours talking it out. For a moment, everything was spelt out clearly and it felt like it is finally over. Dream on. Desire has got you hooked by the heart.
Jan06
Another attempt to make things clear. This time round, another suggestion is proposed. You go with it. Thats friendship and respect. You realise you need the time too. So you agree.
March06
You finally got to see things clearly. Know what you want and realise how it has screwed you up for the past one year. You are jaded and infact you are happy you finally found the only way out: To let it go totally. This time round there is no temptation because you are tired. You have had enough. Thats why you don't feel like talking about it anymore.
Apr06
She have had her time alone and now she comes back to you. If you have let things go, then there shouldn't be a problem. You should see things in pure friendship and you are happy you have almost achieved it.Almost...So you try your best. And its tiring. This really pisses you off.
Thats why you wanna blow. You want to speak the truth. That you can't stand it anymore, you can't be bothered and you don't wish to talk about it. Thats the contradiction. You have already raised the issue. There is no outstanding rule which states you cannot talk about it. There is no existing agreement that neither of you will discuss this again. Yet at the same time, you both know that everytime you try to solve the issue, you raise the topic or the mere mention of it breaks the peace. Left untouched, everything seems beautiful, like nothing ever happened. Thats a big lie. Touch it? It is always at the expense of someone's happiness.
To describe it all, there is only three words : "What the fu**"
So someone has to play the bastard? And tell the other one to f*** off from his/her life. Don't say its crude. Because everytime its beautiful, everytime you are talking like nothing happened before, you are lying to yourself. And its so fake. At least I feel its so fake I feel sick. But there is a catch, whoever is eventually gonna play the bastard have to be really strong. Because there is no turning back. You can't just say "I am sorry I had no choice". Thats crap. I don't even know whether I am up to it.
You know she won't do it. Even if she does, the chance that she is secretly hurting will break you. Will you do it then? You know your will ain't strong enough. You just don't have the capacity to do it. You are afraid you will break her. You are incapable of shaking it off and just be friends. Like I said, it ain't up to you. You are seriously tired and pissed with the issue because it keeps getting back to you no matter how hard you both try. Now. Do you really have to say "Get out my life" No? Its easy to say "Can we just drop this and stop dwelling on it?" Who doesn't? I wish I could just f*** the entire matter and forget it all. I am sure you can do it. Now what? You reach another state of despair when you realise there is still no way out. The power of your will ain't that strong. Afterall, you are not lucifer.
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