I feel f-d up. And I hate the fact that there are things which are beyond me. I seriously hate that.
So much for all the positive thinking. Which builds faith and motivation and keeps me going. Only to dissapoint. And this itself is negative thinking because dissapointment only comes when you focus on the negative.
I am too competitive. And maybe it's time I review my mindset.Maybe what I need to learn is to heck care.Don't care about being positive or negative. Just leave it be.
First it was a stupid jade short which set me back financially and now it is cutting off one arm of me because I can no longer trade.
Then there was a stupid car accident which was pure dumb
And then there is the realisation that I am not among the top ranks in school.
Internal locus of control : Why do I keep fucking up.
External locus of control : Why the fuck do these things keep happening to me.
Its no longer about being positive or being negative. Its one step up, I don't dare to be positive. Fine, I am glad that it is innate in me to be positive and to have great awareness of my emotional state such that I always remain positive. But now I am losing faith in this ability itself. What for?
At this stage, I able to choose between being positive or negative or not to think about it at all. But I don't dare to take any of these options for fear of the consequences. What happened to free will? My confidence is totally shaken and i am keeping it back.
I can't even like a person. And have to tell myself to suppress and destroy the feeling. All these concerns about these and that. WHERE IS FREE WILL?
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