< Zentenism
Monday, May 11, 2009

Cross roads
The only reason why I am writing this on a public blog is because I don't know whether its a good idea or a bad idea. Somehow, there are things I want her to hear but I am not sure if its even fair to say such things. There's already much for her to worry and I really don't want to add on to any of it. But I believe in open communication and it will clear the air if se knew what's on my mind. Thus the dilemma. Writing this hear relieves me of having to make a decision. If she reads it, well. If not, well.

"Sorry for not being able to give you want you want"
That's what she said. As if by magic, she could read my mind. I hadn't mentioned anything at all. But somehow, each of her smses seem to dive deeper and deeper into my mind. Or maybe it was the only thing that could be wrong and it made the problem obvious.

I wanted to tell her that I shouldn't be thinking that way. I think that i expect too much but I shouldn't be expecting anything in return. That maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with our relationship. Maybe its based on need and not love. 

Am I getting this wrong? Sometimes I feel that its no different from a one sided relationship. Except for the fact that she is accepting of everything I do for her. You know...as opposed to telling me to stop doing all this things. Is acceptance itself a form expressing one's love? 

Or could it be that, I am just doing things which are not necessary. That I am over-doing it..to the extent that its not possible for love to be commensurate. But its stupid isn't it. 

I once loved someone knowing that nothing would come out of it, without asking for anything in return. Why can't I do it again? But that said, i experienced that only in friendship.

This sucks. And I wish I don't have to think about it

- posted by zente at 3:10 AM

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