Mixed feelings of feeling like a champion and a loser at the same time. It is all about comparison, motivation and drive. I am a V12 at gear 2. I can feel myself losing focus. Haiz. Wake up in the morning and feel like god (is my creation). No one can parallel me.
This holiday, my simple objective is to earn enough cash to sustain myself such that I can splurge in whatever ways I like. And also, to win SIFE. Plus, I want to touch the hearts of african kids.
I did something today which make me spend a couple of hours reviewing my action and decision. It probably doesn't matter that much to others...worst case scenario, they think i am an idiot. So, in theory I shouldn't bother about it that much. This is an opportunity to learn, to achieve one of my summer goals. Not to be too critical about how others look at me. But then, I really could have done better today. So much for now....
I hopeit is just the alcohol. Cos right now, I feel my life going downhill. All aspects of my life seem headed to a crashing stop at the bottom of the hill. And I know the root cause. One of it is the fact that my mind is filled with negative thoughts. I need to flush it out of my system.I know I appear more emo to people around me. Be it good or bad, I care not. More importantly, I know I am being affected. If I were to rate myself, it will probably look like this:
Personal well being 3/10
Motivation 6/10
Morale 4/10
Will 2/10
Happiness 3/10
All this, as you can see here, is a clear exhibition of how negative I have become over the past 2 days.Gosh. I miss that feeling, feeling perfect the moment I open my eyes in the morning. I can't bring myself to enjoy even when I am out to have fun. Whatever small things that happen, the negative thought strikes me first. The positive side of it is no where to be seen.Yes, I feel fucked up now. I need guidance...... I want to get out of this soon. It seems like blogging won't give me the answers.
Fine,I give myself up to 12nn to willow in self pity. That's all.
I questioned: Is there absolute free will?
Lets not tie this with the concept of god. For even if there was a god, god has no claim over my will. More importantly, the quest for absolute free will stems from an intrinsic set of morals and ethical standards. In an amoral world, there will be no guilt and no constraint. Men will do whatever they wish to do. It will be a world of free will. But that is only step one. Everything is a matter of cause and effect. Every impulse that runs through the billions of neurons is a consequence of quantum mechanics. Our thoughts, desires, actions, consciousness and our will are but after effects of a cosmic crunch. There is in theory, no autonomy, no freedom.
Back to the religious take on absolute free will. Lets use lucifer as the classic example. Even he couldn't find absolute freedom after the fall. His will could have been part of god's master plan.
The only way out is to create a reality for myself. It is formed through internalizing the belief that the centre of existence is the consciousness of oneself. At that point, an individual will be creator and judge. In the context of that reality, he will be at the level of god if he so wishes to call himself. There will be absolute free will.
But then...the desire and the process of creating a reality which spins around the individual. Now what's that? We have reach a paradox.
If i am allowed to throw all the words i ever knew onto this space, I would. I honestly don't know how else i can vent. All i wanted to was to spend a quiet day at home. Yet i get shit every five fucking minutes. I don't even know how to explain it in words. What's your fucking problem. Plain irritating. Comment for the sake of commenting. frog in the well. Retarded and lazy. Get out of my life!!!! Now i have really made up my mind and I understand why I don't want to spend time at home. Its called conflict avoidance.
Time to take a fifteen minute break from work.
I have decided upon the three attributes which I will attempt to build over the summer.Or you can say, things that I want to improve on.
1) Be much more firm about my stand. I am half way there.
2) Be humble while keeping ego high. It is easy to be humble or to have a biug ego. Balancing it is hard.
3) Be more decisive. I think it comes from remembering minute details of my decision. And then sticking to them. The prime reason why I sometimes seem indecisive is because I say or do something else later on. So remembering my decisions will help.
4) Place more emphasis on relations
5) Learn to heck care what others think "when necessary". A balance with 4 is required.
I have 4 months to do this. It will make me a better person.
Your Prize: Natural Death by Old age.
Indeed, it is a prize. Considering that death will visit us eventually, there is no point running away from it. Afterall, I tend to think that we judge life and death by comparing ourselves with the person beside us. Instead of devaluing life, death makes life all the more valuable.
What's the purpose of mugging so hard?
Mugging is a mean to an end. Do not be mistaken, GPA is not the end. The resume is not the end. There is only one end afterall. Death. So then, whats the purpose of mugging? Then again death is the ultimate end of any decision and path that we make in our lives. What is the purpose of playing instead of mugging. Killing someone else instead of playing. Mutiliating oneself instead of killing someone else. Hard to find a common base line for all that's mentioned? Well there is. The satisfaction and realisation of freewill or autonomy underlies every single action we take, choice we make or ideas that spark in our heads. Yes. That itself is the purpose of life. If we are unable to make choices or act in accordance to our will, then we are as good as non living.
Why did I use Mugging as an example? Well all I wanted to show is that mugging is a means to good GPA, which is a means to a good resume which is itself a means of increasing the chances of having a good career and so on and so forth. Ultimately, we will still end with death. So lets take a look at each point separately. I look at each point along the process towards death as a benchmark of achievement. Achievment is what I seek. Consistent to the principal of free will, achievement becomes the purpose of my life. This is not to say that it is the sole purpose of life although the concept of achievement itself branches off into varying dimensions. What then is one step before death? Self-actualization? I don't know. What's one step before that. No idea too. But I do know that achievement is somewhere near that end.
One-liner: We are all gonna die, so just do whatever we want before we die. In my case, achievement is what I seek so anything that builds towards that is something meaningful in my life.
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Term 2 review
Didn't attend any CEO talks. Unless I count in the fulbirght seminars.
Didn't network with any CEO's too.
Got into SIFE....check
Orgasized school event....check
GPA 4.0....still within control, unmet objective.
Point being. I should f**king buck up cos its f***king unlike me to set goals and don't work towards them.
For the past 2 days, the same problem has been bothering me. There are really many people out there who are more zai than me. I felt a little dismayed. But on the whole, I feel a sense of challenge. I will formalize my objectives for the next 9 years after term exams.
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